40 year old woman. (Seems depressed, sagging facial expression and heaviness in movement and voice.)
I have been trying to get pregnant for six years. I will soon do the in vitro fertilization treatment for the third time in 1 ½ yrs. The last time it did a number on me. It took its toll. I had an ectopic pregnancy and then had an emergency caesarian section to remove the tube and pregnancy. It was traumatic; I was bleeding intensely and almost died. I had to convalesce for two months. I took the year off from my job.
The first cycle was the year before. 1 year before that I had a laparoscopy to clear the tube.
I am very depressed. I quit my job to start the cycle, I can’t think about work. I don’t know who I am anymore because of all this.
I exercise a lot, aerobics. I gain weight when I do a cycle and feel sluggish. I have always exercised.
I had an abortion at age 19.
I have a contradiction about work. I want to do something different. My job was stressful, but lucrative. I worked from home, but I always earned money. I am going backwards.
I moved 1 ½ years ago to the country with river and trees. Neither of us likes the house. There is not enough going on there, too dead. Like my life, not a lot going on.
My parents divorced when I was 6 yrs old. It was traumatic, but I have a good relationship with my father. I have trouble with my mother, but I admire her.
I am turning 40, a milestone; I thought I’d have my family by now. Family is a primary thing.
I am used to being alone, I like that. I don’t want to work in an office. I work so hard, at home and I could have a family there and could be there. My husband is used to me taking care of everything. I am comfortable with that role, I am organized, a planner, communicator. I run the finances and social calendar.
My family is untraditional, eccentric, marriage, divorce, unloved. My husband’s family is extra-traditional. I came from a broken marriage and no focus on family. I was attracted to the traditional values of my husband’s family.
I can be very creative and I want to do that in my work but I haven’t discovered it. I have never loved my work. I’ve only worked in a business world. I didn’t want to be poor. I want comfort and not to worry about money. I was concerned about which job paid more. I feel secure if I have money.
I take things personally, get defensive. I am insecure about myself. I did not manifest a pregnancy. Everything else I can make happen and it affects the way I am. I always have a little lack of confidence in myself. I liked to be around and work with powerful creatures, dynamic people. But I also have trouble with authority. I can’t stand up for myself.
I was always a goal-oriented person, determined, stick with it. I went to school for ten years at night for my degree. But I have no clear picture of my goals because the one that I want, the pregnancy, I can’t make happen. I have been going after it so long, I’m tired.
(Any fears?) Of the dark, I don’t like to go from the bedroom to the bathroom down the dark hall. Poverty, afraid of being fat, of dying. Of dying and not having reproduced and given back. I used to be afraid of insects. I am afraid of being a passenger in a speeding car. I won’t go on a rollercoaster rides, they are dangerous.
(Anger?) I get very defensive. I overdo trying to stand up for myself. I can’t be wrong or admit it. I am a perfectionist. I like everything just so, neat and tidy. I have to have things in order. A plan, a goal. Order is very important. I get snappy, edgy, and impatient, if things are not done right, quickly or the way I’d do them.
(Depression?) I don’t care about anything, order or neatness. I can’t get motivated, nothing makes me happy. I eat. I feel lonely, alone with my feelings. Everything is an effort. I cry, usually alone. I hate to ask for consolation from anybody. I take it if someone offers it. I am so used to taking care of everything myself.
I always had a lot of responsibility from a young age. My mom was not around. I always was taking care of myself. I always did the laundry, cooking, by myself. I lived alone for 10 years and used to take care of myself. I didn’t think I would get married. I never wanted to because I never wanted to break up a family like my parents did. I trusted my husband, that was important as I was afraid I would marry a guy who would leave.
Head: Hairs on my chin, stiff, dark, after IVF and the ectopic pregnancy.
Head pain: Headache over eyes and temples in spring and fall.
Hearing: Lessening. I used to be a rock and roll fan, going to loud concerts. Every few months have faint ringing in one or the other ear for a minute or so.