Mr. Sulphur Applies for a Loan

“Today is finally here,” Mr. Sulphur thinks to himself. “This is going to be the beginning of a great adventure. I will clearly need to take notes of the events of the day so as to remember everything for the book that I will surely write. Today I will finally be seen for the brilliant man that I am!”

It’s 5am and Mr. Sulphur is awake as per normal. He can’t sleep and has been up since 3am from thinking, as usual, and is lying in his single bed with his feet sticking out of the covers, as he always does. He is reading a book about the history of the industrialised world which is a long way away from his initial plan of getting up and finally finishing the business plan–that same plan that the bank manager asked him to prepare for today’s loan interview. He instead continues to read and accidentally falls back to sleep, cat-napping off and on for the next 5 or so hours. He jerks and twitches during this time.

Mr. Sulphur sleeps lightly at this time so let me quietly talk to you about why we are here. As you have gathered this is a big day for Mr Sulphur. Today he is going to a long awaited interview with the bank manager about some ideas he has had for some time about starting a business. Mr. Sulphur wants to borrow $20,000. He has spent months researching his business idea and knows a lot of information on every aspect of it imaginable. To be honest with you most of the information he read will never be used in a million years but this is the way of Mr. Sulphur. His appointment is for 11.00 am. Not the best time for him, to be sure!

Now, dear reader, you go and have a cup of tea and we will meet back here nearer 11.00 am.

Here we are again and Mr. Sulphur is STILL asleep and its 10.45. Oh dear! Is he going to miss that interview? I think I will have to make a little noise that will just wake him up. “Cough, cough”…oh good… Mr. Sulphur stirs from his sleep startled, and he looks terrible, as he has an awful burning headache on his vertex that will now last all day because he has accidentally slept in. He now remembers he needs to be at the bank and it’s 10.50am. He looks around his disordered room but knows exactly where everything is that he needs. He grabs his mismatched clothes off the floor. He has wrinkles all over his suit from all the books that have been placed on them over the days since he last went out–quite a few days now, as he has been very busy planning for his business and in fact he has done little else.

Mr. Sulphur, as you can see, is not into fashion, but today he is making an extra effort to look nice as he glances into the mirror spitting on his hand, trying to pat down his wiry crazy hair. At the same time wiping crumbs off of his mouth from what meal he is not sure as he has not showered in quite some time. He says it burns his skin and can even make him dry out which in turn makes him itchy. As he sits to put on his shoes and his sort-of matching socks he looks at himself in the mirror and notices that he is looking old, freckly, and sees that his skin is pale and sickly. He rubs his hands over his bright red cracked burning lips. The wrinkles are longer than he has ever seen them and he notices that he mustn’t have been eating properly lately as he is looking more lanky and thin than when he last saw himself. Then he thinks that his height does not help the situation. Stooping over to tie his shoes, his dizziness becomes so bad he nearly falls over. Luckily he finishes tying his shoes and tries to stand up straight looking into the mirror, imagining the events of the whole morning but to stand is exhausting at the best of times and to stand without stooping is impossible.

“Ohhh!” he looks at his watch again 10.56. “Uughhh”, he grumbles “I’m going to be late.” He flusters around his room picking up all of his wonderful ideas written on scrappy old paper, some of it even dusty. He holds up the pizza carton and then decides to leave the pizza packet cover at home as it’s just too cumbersome to carry down town. He lumbers faintly and weakly through the kitchen as 11.00am nears. He gets a sinking feeling in the stomach, he senses his stomach acid rise and grabs for an apple off the bench. Then he is off and out the door, excited about sharing his great ideas with someone.

When Mr. Sulphur arrives, the bank manager, Mr Arsenicum, is already sitting in the interview room examining his manicured nails. “He’s late,” the bank manager muses; its 11.13 am. In a nervous, excited cough, Mr. Sulphur announces himself.

Mr. Arsenicum is very meticulous and notes the time on his new note pad as he asks Mr. Sulphur to have a seat, but that is not before he shakes Mr. Sulphur’s hot hand. ‘Yuck’ thinks the bank manager, “he has dirty, sweaty palms!”

“Oh yuck!”, says Mr. Sulphur in his head. “Germs, ughhh! I have no time to get sick from germs today! He blurts out a groan, “Sorry, do you have a men’s room?”

“Yes just down the hall,” replies Mr Arsenicum.

Mr. Sulphur then jumps back up and rushes into the bathroom to wash his hands. When Mr. Sulphur is out of sight, Mr Arsenicum too races off to his own private, immaculate bathroom as he too is relieved to wash the germs off his hands.

Mr. Sulphur finds his way back to the office. He walks into the room and immediately goes over to the window and opens it exclaiming how hot it is. “We need some fresh air in here,” he states. “You don’t mind?” Mr. Arsenicum is quietly relieved as the stench of Mr Sulphur’s body odour permeating around him is becoming nauseating.

He again apologises to Mr. Arsenicum but rather half heartedly, not really caring that he is late or inconveniencing the manager. Mr. Sulphur thinks Mr. Arsenicum will soon understand and see how brilliant he is.

Mr. Sulphur gives Mr. Arsenicum no time to talk but, in his exuberence, throws in the air all his notes so they land all over the boardroom table. Mr Arsenicum is taken aback but impressed with the sheer volume of pages he sees before him, and yet, a bit disgusted at such a mess covering his orderly area. Mr. Sulphur begins with a flurry of mumbling about this and that, while at the same time holding up a piece of paper and then another. He bounces from one idea to the next. As he speaks, he gets warmed up and his eyes flush a brilliant red along with his whole face.

Mr. Sulphur starts using Mr Arsenicum’s stapler and hole punch and office stationary to make a point while at the same time Mr. Arsenicum frantically grabs back his office equipment and replaces them to their original spots. Mr. Sulphur doesn’t understand Mr. Arsenicum’s behaviour and continues to take pens and pencils from off his desk and repositioning them to demonstrate his ideas. At this Mr Arsenicum takes a deep breath and sits back, wipes his suit down in an irritated manner and then suddenly, with his whole arm, in one swift move, wipes Mr. Sulphur’s scrappy paper off of his pristine work area and attempts to take charge.

“Firstly, Mr. Sulphur, if I may start,” declares Mr. Arsenicum. Mr. Sulphur is shocked that he is interrupted. “We need to fill out your application form, sir.”

“But I want to tell you about my ideas,” Mr. Sulphur emphatically states.

“We can get to that later… firstly, Name…” states the manager. The manager looks up sternly at him.

“Grrr”, grumbles Mr. Sulphur who flushes red in the face. Procedures he has no time for but will go along with it today as he will shortly be praised. Mr Sulphur then proceeds to fill out the form. He is now getting irritated and wants to release his grand ideas onto the world starting with Mr Arsenicum. “Sir, Sir!” says Mr. Arsenicum to alert Mr. Sulphur back on task, who is daydreaming again. “Can I have a look at your business plan?”

“Oh, yes it’s all here,” Mr. Sulphur states as he gestures towards the mountainous pages before him.

“Hmmm … no,” says the manager. The form I gave you last month, have you filled that out?”

Mr. Sulphur suddenly feels an itch on his scaly, sweaty scalp. He scratches but it seems to cause more pain as it burns more. He declares, “Oh, that one? Uhhh…” With that thought, he starts rummaging through his pockets saying it was here somewhere….He moves into one pocket and then the other. “Ah, here it is….ahh, no this is that library fine I was meant to pay last week…Okay maybe in this…pocket.” He pushes his big sweaty hands into another pocket. “Okay now I have it!” Mr Arsenicum is visibly disgusted at the disorder and time wasting. He looks at his watch urging Mr. Sulphur to hurry it up. “Rightieo,” says Mr. Sulphur, happy to have found the form. He pulls out a crinkly paper, folded in eighths which he tries to smooth, only to realize, no, this is not it either, but…”This is my thesis proposal, which I’ve been looking everywhere for!” Suddenly he remembers, “I don’t have it. I decided there was not enough space to write on it, so I decided it would be better this way.” He gestures to the many scraps of paper before him. He appears defiant now and egotistical as he thinks he knows best.

Frustrated the bank manager rubs his forehead with both hands. Mr. Sulphur is now getting very frustrated with the ignorance of this man. He sees this interview turning sour and is getting angry as to why such a dumb man would be in charge of business loans. Mr. Sulphur’s friendly exterior belies his inability to find words to explain the way he is thinking.

“Right!” says Mr. Arsenicum, quickly grasping that Mr. Sulphur is, in fact, in no position to be borrowing from his bank and decides that he will, nonetheless submit the loan, knowing full well it will never be approved. He strokes back his neat short hair with his hands in an attempt to compose his now obvious aggitation. “Mr. Sulphur, I will need to see some ID from you now so we can put in this loan application.”

“What?” Mr. Sulphur experiences a flash of heat throughout his body. He is puzzled as he was thinking this would be the time of his great unveiling.

” ID?” he repeats. “I don’t have THAT here!”
Mr Arsenicum stands up, unable to waste anymore time with this absent-minded man. Quickly while wiping the wrinkles out of his designer suit he explains with an officious tone, “Mr Sulphur,”– here he extends his arm out to Mr Sulphur –”Take your application and fill out the business plan and come back to the bank at any time with some ID to lodge your form.”

Mr. Sulphur is utterly perplexed. While the Manager speaks the words Mr. Sulphur’s red rimmed eyes open wide, as does his mouth. Mr Sulphur turns his back on Mr Arsenicum, mumbling about how he has never met a more stupid man. He collects all his pieces of paper off the table and floor in the same rushed manner that he had collected them off the floor in his flat. Again Mr. Arsenicum holds his arm out stretched with the forms that Mr. Sulphur needs to fill out. Mr. Sulphur snatches them and without a goodbye, storms out of the bank. Cursing the bank as he walks unevenly up the street, he tosses the bank forms in a garbage bin. “They would be lucky to be involved in my business,” he said. Mr. Sulphur is now very upset and feels very misunderstood, but will chalk the day up to an unfortunate experience where the bank has employed the likes of Mr. Arsenicum who in Mr. Sulphur’s eyes is not of his intellectual calibre. Whilst he walks he surmises about how the world is not ready for such a man as himself and his brilliant ideas.

So for today, he heads up to the liquor shop for a bottle of whisky to drown his bitter disappointment.

So there you have it. Mr. Sulphur will drop in to the local curry house on the way home and will spend the night imagining more new, fantastic and colourful ideas for tomorrow in the hope that one day soon he will be recognised for the genius that he is!

Lowanna Hugall

Lowanna Hugall