Just in time for the September issue, my son, Mr. Phelps, became ill.
Finally, your kids are getting sick on schedule; I have deadlines, you know. Do you have any idea how many people want my job?
I’ll just take a guess and say, zero?
How did you know?
The Arbitrons are out…anyway, not to dwell on your ratings, maybe I should just resume my recitation of Mr. Phelp’s case.
And why aren’t you and little Mr. Phelps on first-name speaking terms?
Elaine, “Mr. Phelps” isn’t his real name! Don’t you get it? Mr. Phelps? “Mission: Impossible”? I was thinking we should have a picture of Tom Cruise on the cover.
Because he played Mr. Phelps!
No, no, Kelly, Peter Graves played Mr. Phelps!
Elaine, have you done anything at all since the ’60’s?
No one has the slightest idea who Peter Graves is!
Oh yeah? Well, Tom Cruise is no Peter Graves, I’ll tell ya that!
Well, my son happens to be Tom Cruise!
Fine! Maybe that’s why he’s so sick all the time! Who in his right mind would cast Tom Cruise in the role of a CIA agent? He doesn’t look a day out of grade school himself, not unlike…your son. Forget I said anything.
Can I go on now?
Yes, before we lose what’s left of our audience!
Ahem! So, as I was saying, my poor little son, Mr. Tom Cruise Phelps, had a headache in the morning a few days ago, and then later on the same day developed a fever. The headache was mostly in the forehead area. His face and ears were red and his skin very hot to the touch. He said he felt a little dizzy and his eyes hurt when he looked at bright lights. He was also chilly.
Mr. phelps layed on the couch not wanting to do much of anything, which included talking! He wasn’t particularily thirsty but would drink little sips of water when I reminded him. He said he was hungry but never got up to eat.
I gave a remedy. His fever improved as did his appetite and energy. By evening however, things took a turn for the worse. His fever rose, he became lethargic, hot and red-faced again.
I redosed with the same remedy, succussed, in the morning to no avail. Mr. Phelps at this point was dizzy, lethargic and spacey. He was very chilly and couldn’t leave the couch without being wrapped in a blanket.
I decided to try the next remedy, _______ 30c in water. My kids have had their share of colds/flu/fevers over the last several years and with Elaine’s help, I have gotten pretty good at figuring out remedies and usually have a sequence of them in my head so I know which one to look at next if the first one fails. I gave 2 doses of _____ a half hour apart then needed to leave for a short while. My husband reported via phone that Mr. Phelps was feeling much better as i witnessed myself when i returned. No fever, minimal headache and no dizziness! His fever rose slightly before bedtime and I gave a third dose of_______30c in water, succussed. He slept peacefully, cool all night.
The next morning Mr. Phelps was fever and headache free! No dizziness and no eye pain. Mission Homeopathy: Accomplished! Get it Elaine? “Mission: Accomplished”?
I wonder if we should make Peter Graves our centerfold….
Isn’t he, like, 90 years old?
Shouldn’t you and your son be out looking for Osama bin Laden?
With pleasure, as this building is due to self-destruct in 5 seconds!
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to find the correct remedy and save Mr. Phelps. Send your top-secret remedy pick to Elaine at [email protected] and the answer will be in next month’s ezine.