A Case of White Dove

Female, 49 yrs.

CC: Energy and fatigue, cancer – side effects, sleeping problems – wakes up a lot.

Diagnosis: Endometrioid Adenocarcinoma Stage III with metastasis to ovaries, omentum, peritoneal fluid, abnormal tissue (undefined), one left lymph gland.

Conventional treatment: She underwent surgery (some tumors were removed, lots of small ones left) followed by radiation. This patient was taking Tamoxifen because there was no specific chemo for that type of cancer. She was told she had up to 6 months to live.

Note: The patient came seeking help with her mental/emotional state and energy. I was not treating the cancer but addressing those issues.

Yesterday fell asleep at 7 PM.

Can you talk about your energy and the fatigue ?

Hard to wake up in the morning, desire to stay in bed all day. Force myself for an hour to get up. Motivation is there but physically…

My head detached from the body. Head wants but body can’t. Three months ago – walking home and all of a sudden can’t. No energy – body feels heavy from neck down. After work – eat and straight to bed – tired. Sometimes too tired to think. What I do is get on the phone and talk to people. Say “No” to a lot of invitations. People come to me. Too tired to do laundry. In the laundromat I fell asleep.

I have to wake up feeling refreshed. Hands and feet tingle in the morning. Maybe circulation is bad. Had lots of energy a month ago – gone. I don’t have strength. I was very strong before, stubborn, strong. Now I can’t move rocks for kids.

Head separated – Two weeks ago felt that my spirit is leaving the body and I’ll die in next 6 months. Separation – body is here and head is here. Body and head are detached. Couple weeks ago it was almost my decision and I choose to fight. And I don’t like that word “fight”.

I want to get married. Never been married, never had children. Had boyfriends. I have a lot of support that way. That’s my goal – get married.

I felt calling to be a nun – to serve, to help people, to make world better. I had a tough job – 60 hours a week working. It is a big adjustment not to be able to do things. Lot of responsibility even as a child. Now I feel like I don’t have any – just me, because I can’t do anything else.

Me – I like peaceful life, I think… too much anger in the world. If anybody is angry – walk away – zero tolerance – don’t want my peace to be disturbed. I’m stubborn, I’m caring, I will give my life for others.

My dad had lung cancer.

I’m gentle, love children, people. The world should be forgiven… I see a lot of hurt people, I think people need to take responsibility. I worked with people with trauma (talking about war in Africa). I think a lot of those facts, and I think, I’m lucky – I’m living in that world, feel guilt.

I don’t feel sick. Two worlds – I live and I think of a world of suffering. I feel a lot of unfairness in the world. I feel that parallel. I feel very stagnant – so much more God wanted me to do. Circle of feeling good and getting sick again – stop and go. Now I feel I can go for the next 20 years; tomorrow I wake up and I’ll be totally different again. And I talk too much. I never owned a TV in my entire life.

I did not think I was a very social person… I was always very private, now I feel kind of isolated and I’m kind of like that.

I want to write. I’ve seen 3 things in my life:

1) Feminist movement. I would like to see family structure change. Now what happens is – decreasing responsibility of wives and mothers.

2) People who are hurting – I see children who are really angry, rage, no self-control. I can see who is really hurting.

3) Christian book – dying to self, dying to cancer.

Dentist, I don’t like an attention – I’m fine.

Attention – don’t like – safety net – let me disappear. I like my private and my quiet time.

Cancer – a lot of attention and I don’t like that. I feel my body is dying and my spirit not.

Can you talk about separation?

I’m looking on the world with a different set of eyes; always very hopeful, then was getting frustrated and angry with the world.

I feel torn between. Separation is good and bad. I have a better understanding – the world is not good or bad, not black and white – why those things are happening. Separated – seen the world with better understanding. I have sense of hopelessness and hopefulness. Acceptance. I think that world in a big trouble – how people are taking care of children, AIDS in Africa.

I feel very separated in stuff I used to do and think and how I think and do now. I used to be frustrated and angry with family – now more understanding.

I’ve become exceptionally outspoken…. before I was too afraid. I really speak out and it scares me a little bit. I used to be patient, caring, understanding and very private. Now, if I don’t speak up, who is going to? I was never vocal. I was so shy. Could speak in front of TV, but it was a reason. I’m feeling a need to speak out – it is enough.

Separation of old me – still part, but not having same tolerance – not enough time, no time for me to do. Separation – I’m very aware of what I’m thinking, but spirit is separated from body, like I have no body. I’m an invisible being looking on the world through my eyes. I don’t have fear to talk about it.

I was working in a very difficult field and now I have time to incorporate all that stuff (children kill each other, paramedics). City I live in now is very corrupt for me right now, thinking to move to a different one, almost too big for me to handle.

Separation – mind drifts out of my body, it is almost like a dream. Spirit, mind are physically in a very nice place. Maybe I’m running from the world. In that place I get hope, I get answers I need to do, or I feel I’m called to do now. Security is there. Feel a lot of strength (emotionally). I go in the lake, I’m in the dark in the lake, no roads in that lake. I see a single plane flying all the time, like the pilot sees me and beeps me with the wings. I feel like a bird – freedom, that I belong there. I’m on the sand. I feel special. White dove.

White dove – gentle, peaceful, free, peace, offers hope, I’d like to be a white dove. Does not take much to get off the ground. Sense of wanting to belong but having independence. Good place to be.

Separation – I need a bit that escape. I used to feel I’m totally connected and my mind controls everything. I never had headaches. Muscle tension, stress of every day. Fatigue is more emotionally… I’m one big emotion. I’m calm. I’ve been angry 5 times this year.

I’m bear burden – if somebody else is experiencing pain, I make an effort to be there for them. It is about living in community and helping each other. I see a lot of selfishness.

Religion – I do feel the burdens of the world, I can pray for the world.

Guilt – I don’t like talk about people. If I do wrong – burning sensation in my heart…. I thought my heart is going to explode – fire goes down my arms and legs. My whole body is on fire.

I don’t have guilt much – it is not a gift from God. I have to acknowledge what I’ve done. I used to be self-persecuted. My guilt is very physical. It is like somebody takes a hot dagger and stabs in my heart. I physically have to cross my arms and take a deep breath – pain is very-very real.

Can you talk about feeling torn?

This is very real to me too. I have mixed emotions. My world consists of two things – living in a carnal world and spiritual world. Also I have a lot of friends who don’t understand my Christian faith. Torn – this is something about saying things. My friends are angry a lot of times. I’m torn between these two worlds – my faith and having a normal life.

Since I have cancer I think about different relationships. I don’t like anger. It’s painful, it hurts people around you. I see anger is hurting a lot of different people.

I’m torn – I see the wonderful peace…. and children smile, deer, geese and another world that is so angry – it is not necessary. I talk about my anger, I don’t suppress it.

How do you express anger?

I try to be direct. I get frustrated, then I become angry, I need to talk about my frustration. I’m constantly torn – how to respect a person and say that he is wrong. Torn between doing right things and shy personality who does not want to become involved. Not everybody is ready to hear what they need to hear.

What about feelings of isolation?

I’ve have always been absolutely busy. When I got sick – I don’t need to and it is the best thing that happened to me…. I like to be sick. I love my cancer – it is better to have cancer in my body, than in my heart and my mind.

Cancer is totally out of my control. I used to be very physical. Ten years ago I started to gain weight – low thyroid. Isolation is not bad, but I like it. I live one block away from my family – nobody came to me, except my brother.

I always felt isolated from my family. I felt different. When I was younger I would tell people that I was adopted. I’ve never been able to share my life with my family. I don’t have that security (from work) – benefits. My brother and I are very close. Money – never important – very much an issue with my family. No support from family. No caring, no compassion. Wasn’t a loving household. I did not know that until I moved down. I love my isolation.

Can you talk about security?

I realized there’s no such thing like financial security. I have cancer and I have to take care of myself. I learn to adjust. Hard not to buy little things.

Security – connection with God, to feel connected. I want to be the best person I can be. When I was sick I lost connection with God, felt alone, sense of abandonment (by God) – just feeling, but God is always here for us. I have an isolated life, but I don’t feel isolated. Security is my faith.

People who have to take care of you and help are not always there. So I found it in different way.

What are your fears?

If I do something wrong I’ll be hit by lightning.

Dreams:

night terrors

clairvoyant dreams – September 11^th, tsunami…

flying over forest

colors

water, walking on beach

sea sponge. Sponge is like a heart – our heart can absorb so much.

Dreams of flying for 25 years – I’m usually walking in a city, feet start to come off the ground, float, start to fly, fly fast, up north, forest, can feel the breeze.

Dreams are triggered by thoughts during the day.

Always include children – rescue them, always water – sense of drowning, but never drawn, trying to protect them from somebody else.

I have strong sense of Good and Evil and a constant battle.

I wish I could sleep better. Vivid dreams.

Physicals:

Occasionally – stiff neck, I wish I could move better. Stretching.

Feet – most amazing part of the body, they carry us.

Arthritis in my knee and a bit in my hip (after radiation- osteoporosis). Hips feel bruised all the time. Knee – torn ligament.

Digestion – abdominal pain for 3 days. Pain is bruised, < movement.

I’ve never slept well. Falling asleep pretty quick, then waking up to urinate, vivid dreams.

Cancer started in endometrial lining of the uterus, spread to reproductive organs, omentum, peritoneal fluid.

No pains. I don’t feel symptoms.

Tired with no reason. Body is fighting.

Urination and stool – no problems.

Always felt bloated.

Food cravings: dill pickles, sour, tart, beets, milk, juice, bread and butter, green peppers.

Allergic to papaya. Feta cheese, blue cheese.

I prefer drinking over eating.

Remedy: White Dove 1M (in water) daily Plussing method

(See case analysis at end of case.)

Follow-up July 11, 2206

Stomach-ache as if somebody gave you a big squeeze, hug, pulling, constant pulling, especially in a car, when I walk. I can feel my insides.

I feel nausea too. It started about 3 weeks ago – 2-3 times a week nausea.

Last week – every day I smell food, herbs, makes me nauseous, < iced-tea.

Blood sugar 11, to 18-20, a week ago 6.8

It does affect what I eat. I have to cut back on corn, sweet potato, veggies with starch.

But I have energy!

A bit tired. I think I’m tired because I’m not sleeping well – I feel pulling right across my abdomen. Pulling – feels like tug of the war, it radiates. Like a baby kicking. Makes me feel something is going on. I’m thinking my cancer might be back.

But not separated at all. I’m so together right now. Last month I isolated myself, did not return phone calls. Last weekend realized that I was in safe protective cocoon, but now I don’t want to. We have to be in community.

Last 18 months my life was on hold. Last weekend I started thinking that I was cheated, my life was robbed. I was very sick when I was 26. And now I have to start all over again. I’ve been robbed – I had good job in hospital, I worked for charity, I did not have a lot. Once I started to feel stable, I got sick. Now I’m the one who holding myself back. I had a long (4 hours) walk home from my friend.

August 23, 2006

Cancer-free. Remission. No signs of cancer.

Tired, but in a good way.

October 30, 2006

I have a lot of nausea. Blood sugar is OK. I’m more tired, I think it is stress. Work is still good. No motivation when I got home. Sick to my stomach – maybe flu bug.

Finances are stressing me. I can’t to get ahead. I’m tired all the time. I know I need to leave work, but money… I’m a little less patient. More apt to speak up now.

A couple friends are dying… try not to feel guilty, makes me feel sad.

Christmas – can’t do anything special. Hope to stop medication.

I want to take the remedy every day. I took it yesterday, feel so much better.

Nausea – mostly in my throat, < coffee smell – makes me feel nauseous.

Tiredness – brain is alert, but body is heavy. Weighted down, like I have heavy apron on me.

Not being able to get to the church. I feel like phony. I’m in remission, I have to do more.

Heavy – don’t have any energy to run with kids. I’m very strict with kids. They say you are like a policeman. Strict – feel awful – they are not gonna learn anything. I have less patience, makes me feel angry, sad. I don’t like anger. I wish I was the old me.

Difference (old me and me right now) – I’m not that positive. I’m absorbing anything. Takes a little bit to change a good day for me.

Start thinking about kids. My mind went all over. Feeling a bit out of control. Things seem moving backwards. I’m nauseous, I have a fatigue, I’m afraid of not being able to work again. Everything is a bit of effort.

I don’t feel I’m getting better, I feel I’m getting bad. Stopped eating salt. (Doctor’s recommendation). Noticeable swelling of fingers. Nausea in the morning.

Medication – I take it in the morning, lunch andf evening with supper.

Remedy: White dove 1M plussing method one sip every day. Include salt in the diet.

February 2007

Issues with anger related to work. Nausea, irritability

Remedy: Nux 30 Ch

White Dove 1M plussing method.

Lots of stomach flus during winter season.

No cancer signs. Stopped chemotherapy. Continuing increase in energy.

July 15,2007

Herpetic eruptions on the chin.

Repeat 1M in water. Swelling is gone very fast.

Aug 1,2007

Still working to lose weight. Helping people a lot – it is a way of being. Getting some rest from stressful job. Skin is good, some small marks from herpes. Redness of the nose is barely noticed. Right knee is still hurts. Doctors advised knee replacement.

Looking for a new job. Nice energy.

Sep 5, 2007

A few days earlier the patient mentioned that she is fine with her allergies.

Today she said that her allergy is back – red eyes, itchy…

Repeat the remedy in water. Elevated symptoms.

A week later – allergy is fine, no signs, even spent time with the black lab. Allergic to dogs in the past.

Lost 17 pounds in 6 months. Very active

Sep 11, 2007 Started to volunteer at cancer support group.

Allergy is better after taking the remedy. Used to have asthma attacks. Allergies to dogs, cats, rug, wheat, grass.

Sep 25, 2007

Story about childhood – father had an accident at work shortly after she was born. One year at hospital. Mother was not around. For the first year she lived with her ant.

Oct 3, 2007 – Discharged from cancer clinic!!

Note: I did have a contact with the patient over these years. She is working and active. She has the remedy and takes when she feels she needs a boost.

Analysis of the Case

What was striking for me (and I asked the patient again and again to tell me more about it) was a sense of separation between body and head:

‘ My head detached from the body’; ‘– I’m very aware of what I’m thinking, but spirit is separated from body, like I have no body, I’m invisible… being looking on the world through my eyes. I don’t have fear to talk about it’; ‘mind drift out of my body, it is almost like a dream. Spirit, mind are physically in a very nice place, maybe I’m running from the world. In that place I get hope. I get answers I need to do.. or I feel called to do now. Security is there. Feel a lot of strength (emotionally). I go in the lake, I’m on the dark in the lake, no roads in that lake. I see a single plane flying all the time, like pilot sees me and beeps me with the wings. I feel like a bird – freedom, that I belong there. I’m on the sand. I feel special. White dove.’)

If we look at the rubrics Mind, Delusions, Imaginations, Head, Separated from the body, is, and Mind, Delusions, Imaginations, Separated, Soul, spirit and body are, we find bird remedies.

This theme along with the theme of Freedom and desire to escape (‘running from the world’), and her sense of isolation made me think of a bird remedy.

Dr. Sankaran’s Bird themes are:

Responsibility and Freedom

Caged, Trapped,

Fly, Free, Escape

Buoyant, heights

Abused, tortured,

Vision, Focus.

Themes of guilt, harshness of the world, early childhood responsibility, spirituality, suppressed anger. These are characteristics for the Dove remedy.

Jonthan Shore’s Dove:

DOVE: SUFFERING ABUSE

This is very different from the other birds. Great sensitivity on an interpersonal level. The world as a harsh place, violence and injury.

This is the animal analogue to Staphysagria. People are cruel. Guilt in the sense of self. Usually the person who feels really bad about himself when he’s been abused in some way. It’s been indicated that who you are is a pile of shit.

Judged, criticized

Shame

Grief

Too gentle for the world, so appear retarded or delayed. But they aren’t really. This is not Baryta. They’ve withdrawn from the harshness of life. This is a little more religion. The birds that fly high are more of spirit. The dove comes often in the Bible, and the olive branch of peace.

I chose the White Dove because of patient’s strong connection to this bird. She brought it up spontaneously : White dove – ‘gentle, peaceful, free, peace, offers hope, I’d like to be a white dove. Does not take much to get off the ground. Sense of wanting to belong but having independence. Good place to be’.