22nd March 2004
A twenty-nine-year old man with sinusitis and psoriasis.
R: Tell me what is your problem?
P: Doctor, basically, this sinus is getting too frequent these days. Every two months I end up wasting three to four days with the sinus. It started long ago but now with this sinus I find it very difficult to get up in the morning. This full area (shows infra orbital area of both the cheeks) this part has such a tremendous amount of pressure; you feel the pressure inside. That is the main thing. When I get up in the morning I can cough up, or blow the nose. It comes out, but the problem remains. You feel groggy throughout the day. Secondly, I have developed these big time scales on the head that have moved down this way (finger scrolling near the ear to the chin),both sides, here and only this place, that’s all (shows infra orbital area both the sides and forehead). This is like a reddish kind of inflammation, which develops some scaly kind of thing.
R: Tell a bit more.
R: Tell about your sinus thing again, pressure and all.
P: Sinus – basically I don’t know how I picked it up. Mostly it’s from people if they have a small infection, cough or cold, I take it from them. I just can’t take ice in anything. Even if it’s melted in a soft drink, it starts the same day. Yet if I have a soft drink which is normally chilled, or water which was put in the fridge, then it is not much of a problem. That is one part. The first day it starts with irritation somewhere inside the throat and behind this (gestures showing the throat and nose) and when I first spit out in the morning there will be fine specks of blood. It stops later. On the second day it stops. It is whitish gray on the first day and feels little drier than otherwise. It slowly moves to yellowish, and if it stays, it goes to green and then, on its way out, it goes to a very clear fluid and cough comes only if it is there for a longer period of time. The pressure sometimes is a little too much, the ears get blocked and then you have to blow the nose. I mean, close the nose and blow it. Then the ears open up (gestures closing the nose) and sometimes you feel you should poke something and possibly the pressure will get relieved, or something like that.
This cold never goes. It is there throughout the year. Clearing of the throat, and blowing of the nose is an everyday thing. The ears have got pretty scratchy. I need to scratch them almost everyday, use the bud almost everyday. Not that there is anything else, but it’s very dry sometimes. Recently I have picked up this habit of having a paan (beetle leaf) after I have a drink. I think it stops me from getting infection. I don’t know.
About the sinus I think that’s about it. It gets a little frequent, it’s disturbing. I generally tend not to go into the water, and be a little careful about things. I have stopped eating guavas because I think guavas will give this; stopped eating grapes for the same reason.
I developed migraine when I was in the first or second year of college; its onset was when I was exposed to heat, when I was out in the sun. It used to stay for three days. It used to come with an aura. In the initial stages, if I would look at something, I would see patches of caramel something like this (pointing out to the wall color of the room). I wouldn’t see in those parts and then the headache would start. So I was told to take some tablet when you can’t see, so I would carry those tablets around. Then slowly it changed to a mercury kind of color, a silvery kind of color. Then it changed to looking like when you put oil on water, how seven colors can be seen. Then I was treated by a homeopath for about four or five months, then that problem didn’t recur. The migraine never recurred.
About the sinus, that should be it. During the days when it is worse, I don’t feel I can go to work. It’s not fever. It’s just that you feel drowsy, groggy the whole day.
In all that he mentioned, the experience of the sinus was ‘pressure.’
R: Tell about this pressure a little bit more, describe that pressure.
P: Okay. Even now I have it to a certain extent. It’s there throughout, but (pointing at the infra orbital area) it’s like this area feels heavy and something is trying to come out. You get the feeling that you want to poke a hole, or put a bullet into it, and it will come out or something like that (laughs and shows gesture of a gun), it’s getting a little too much here in these areas. Sometimes even in the eyeballs you feel a little pressure. It’s like, if I press like this (presses on the infra orbital area with the fingers) I feel a little better. If I press, it lightens up. It feels as if some bubble is building up. This area is like really heavy you know, that’s about it.
He describes ‘pressure’ a little further. It feels as if something is trying to come out.
R: Tell about this pressure little bit more, the sensation of the pressure like you said something trying to come, that pressure, just describe it.
P: It’s like something is stuffed. I can’t possibly describe how it is.
R: You are doing well so far. Just little bit more.
P: It’s like something is stuffed in (pushing the fist up and down). It’s like something trying to come up. I need to do something to get it out.
A further description, with a gesture.
R: Describe this something stuffed in.
P: I don’t know, I can’t.
R: Whatever you can say. The definition of stuffed in, how is that like?
P: Something is trying to break out (showing the infra orbital area). It’s like something inside there, trying to put that pressure out. When you push this thing back you feel that you are pushing back, giving some kind of pressure. So that relieves.
R: Tell about this a bit more, trying to come out, trying to break out…Describe that a little bit more.
P: In what way? I can’t…
Trying to break out is an action. This is a hint of a process.
R: Describe the sensation or the action of trying to come out or trying to break out. Only this much.
P: I sometimes feel I should be doing something about it. If I take steam or if I sit and press like this (shows pressing with the palms), I feel that it may come out. There is always that feeling that if this thing gets relief I will be fine. Someone told me that for sinus the only treatment is to burn a hole there. I had a septal correction done.
R: A little bit more about something trying to come out or trying to break out – only this much. You are doing very well. There is no problem. This is just a way of our inquiry, how we try to understand something
P: I feel that there is some infection or something there, which is dirty, which I need to push out (gesture of pushing something out). And then I think things will be fine. Generally, if there is a small boil with a little pus I tend to clean it, even if it is painful. I tend to clean it very clean. That’s what I feel needs to be thrown out.
There is energy with ‘push out.’ The process is described in different ways now – ‘come out,’ ‘push out,’ and ‘thrown out.’ These phrases are similar, though not exact. The sensation cannot be fully described by a single word or phrase. All the phrases have it.
R: See, you are using some words…break out, thrown out, come out. You are using that gesture. Show that action you are using – break out, throw out, come out.
P: (Shows the same gesture)
R: Describe this action.
R: Do it once again.
P: (repeats the gesture)
R: Yes, I want you to describe this. Whatever comes to you.
P: It’s like something that I don’t want; want to get rid of it. That’s what I mean by this
The action is related to the experience. We can get further into the sensation by focusing on the action and disconnecting from the context.
R: A little bit more about this action, forget about yourself what you want to do or don’t want to do. Just describe this action little bit more.
P: It’s like I have something in my hand and I don’t want it. I realize it’s unwanted, something harmful, so I just want to throw it out (gesture as if throwing something).
He has gone to the general.
R: When you say something harmful what comes to your mind?
P: Now when I was telling you, I thought I would say something hot, something hot that is burning my hands so I would throw it out (gesture as if throwing something) or drop it.
There is heat and throwing out. Hot is a sensation. When the delusion is described as an experience, it is sensation.
R: Describe this something hot and burning my hands, whatever comes to your mind.
P: The first thing that came to my mind was a vessel, which I thought wasn’t hot. I picked it up and throw it.
When you focus on the energy, all the sensations come out. I asked about this action and he speaks about something hot, something burning.
R: What is the experience in that?
P: It’s relief. I mean it’s hurting me, so throw it out.
R: A little bit more about this action. You are doing exceedingly well. Just a little bit more, just this action. Describe this. Not about you, more description of this action.
P: It’s a jerk. A jerky kind of action.
‘Jerky’ is a further description of the quality of the action.
R: A little bit more about this jerky.
P: It’s like a disowning kind of action, you don’t want a part of it so you throw it out or give it back.
R: Describe the action jerky little bit more.
P: In what terms, Doctor? I can’t.
R: Whatever comes to you, when you do like this?
P: I generally don’t do it.
R: No, now.
R: What comes to you?
P: It’s like I am pushing something out, throwing something out.
R: Describe the action a little more – pushing and throwing – forget yourself. Just describe pushing and throwing.
I want only the action. By focusing on it, he will describe the exact qualities of the sensation. We want the pure experience, not the delusion. And so we refine the understanding. It’s a question of skill. It’s like playing a game of chess.
P: It’s not a very good thing. It’s like a sudden jerky movement. If somebody else were involved in this, he wouldn’t like it very much; he will be shaken up. He will find it a very rude thing or he wouldn’t like it at all. It’s too aggressive or too rude an action; rude, as in to throw out; possibly fall on another person or something like that. It’s more of a very not-thought-out kind of thing, very impulsive.
R: Very good, a little bit more about not thought, impulsive, jerky, and sudden.
P: It’s something that I rarely do; actually, it’s like flinging to throw off, to dissociate with that particular item you are trying to throw off. I can’t think of anything else.
R: You are doing very well just describe whatever comes to you when you say sudden, jerky, aggressive, not thought of, impulsive, flinging.
P: It’s like I had expected a thing to be something, and picked it up. Now I find it is something totally different from what I had expected and that is why this kind of action. I expected it to be not very hot. I mean it looks fine. I just lift it but then I suddenly find it’s hot, so I throw it out (gesture)
R: A bit more about expected to be something and it is totally different, just this much whatever you said now.
“I had expected it to be something, but it is totally different.” Hot is not all that uncommon. But the idea that it seemed like something, and then wasn’t, is. It is strange and peculiar.
P: I have a pet theory about expectation and reality gap. You expect a certain thing to be something. Then you actually get into it and see what is the reality, and then you tend to benchmark it against what is expected. So your thinking or rationale is based on what is expected. You generally tend to pick up something or take something to yourself if you think it to be of a certain good value. But when you actually take it to yourself, when you actually get to practically do something with it, you realize that is not something you want, or this is not what you thought it would be. That’s when you push it out. I mean you don’t want to carry the extra baggage. I mean it is some belonging. Then it’s very much possible to push it out, that’s how it starts.
R: Tell about this little bit more, this expectation reality gap, this extra baggage, how you push it out?
P: I will try and give an example. I do a little bit of photography. So I picked up an excellent camera from Singapore, and it was the best thing I could pick up that time with whatever budget I had. I worked out whether it will work in India or not, then came back here. When I came back here, I found out it’s extremely difficult to develop the rolls, they were of a different kind. Then it became a baggage for me so I had to push it out at the first go. I had to sell it out at the first go, but nobody would buy it in this country. So I just try and sell it off. Even smaller things, say a shirt, if you do impulsive buying, you think it’s nice and you buy it, it’s a nice color. You don’t think at that point of time. You buy it, you go home, you wear it and somebody says, this is nothing great, it looks bad. Then you look at yourself and say it’s bad. So you just push it out and don’t use it. It would happen almost daily with a lot of things.
R: So what is the experience of having this extra baggage? Like you bought the camera and you found that the rolls were not…
P: Yeah, you basically feel lost, lost in the sense you feel you could have reasoned out better. You feel you have wasted money on something that you could have utilized in a better way. You feel like a fool. You basically feel like an idiot.
Where is the energy in what he said? ‘Impulsive’ is what is related to the ‘sudden’ and ‘jerky’ in the past. It is a synonym of what had happened before.
R: Tell a little bit about this impulsive.
P: Impulsive in the sense that it’s like a very momentary kind of concept. At that moment it is the right thing to do, but as an after thought, you would have not bought it or not done it. That’s the point of time when rational thought goes out of the window. Normally, you tend to have a very logical, step-by-step approach. I reason it out and I say, “Yes”, this is why I want it and this is the kind of money it costs, and yes, that is why I can buy it. It is that point of time when all this goes in the wind, you totally go out for something totally different. Impulsive is when there is no rationale, no logic behind whatever you are doing. At that moment it feels reasonable.
It happens a lot of times. Possibly while conversing with you today, I say today this is right. Then I go back and think. I mean in the heat of the moment of arguing with you I would say no, I feel this is right and then I would think later that possibly the doctor had something to say. And yes, if I look at it in a little different way I would say, what the doctor said makes more sense than what I had said, so I should have listened to the doctor. This kind of a thing, which happens in daily life.
This kind of a behavior in relationships is more with my close friends and family where I tend to be more impulsive. Whereas with people I am normally not very comfortable, my colleagues who have not yet broken through that barrier of friends, I am very considerate in terms of thinking about an idea they put across. I tend to give them their chance; their way, to push their idea to me. I wouldn’t do that with my family and friends, I just push through. So I am more impulsive with these people than people I am not very comfortable with.
So ‘impulsive’ in his case, when it goes down to a deeper level, is to ‘push through.’ Impulsive is a human-specific word, but it has energy. I ask about it and he says a lot of mind things. I wait for him to talk it out. All the while, I am thinking, where is ‘impulsive?’ I am waiting for ‘impulsive’ to be translated into an action. That is where we will get to the sensation.
R: When you say ‘push through’ what comes to your mind?
P: When I say ‘push through’ what comes in my mind is my point of view that I try to thrust sometimes on people, possibly my wife, my mom and rarely my dad.
He gives me a human example, so I will ask again. He will come back to it.
It is a bit like when a thief commits a murder, he has to visit the place again. A wily detective waits there for him.
The energy is in a word related to action, movement, or a sensory experience, which is non-human-specific. The sensory experience common to mind and body will be seen to be common between man and nature.
R: Just tell about ‘push through.’
P: Getting into a train in the morning, trying to make way to get down at the particular station. Trying to get down at a particular station, there’s a lot of rush.
R: Describe that experience a bit more.
P: It’s like you have lot of pressure from all sides and you want to make your way out of that. I mean, there are a lot of things around which are bringing a lot of pressure on you. You want to just get out of it, you want to burst out, you want to just be free. You know how you are in a hot congested place, like a train and it’s sweaty and really hot and once you get out and you are in the place you wanted to be, and it’s more breathable, more clean, more nice.
He has come back to the original sensation in the chief complaint – ‘pressure,’ and this time, there is a finer picture at the general level. He has a lot of pressure from all sides and wants to burst out.
R: Describe this a little bit more the pressure from all sides and you want to get out, burst out. Just this much.
P: There is some place where you want to go to…
He will give a situation again, and it won’t help to go there. We need him to focus on the experience.
R: Forget about you…
R: Just this pressure from all the sides and burst out, only this much.
P: Like a balloon or just put a pin and it comes out.
R: More, very good, whatever that comes to you.
P: Since I am sitting here, the first thing that comes to mind is, say, a pus-filled wound or something. Press it and get it out and clean it up. That’s about it.
R: A bit more about pressure from all sides and burst out.
P: (thinks for a while) you want me to describe the event or an example?
R: Whatever comes to you. Describe to me the sensation of pressure from all the sides and burst out.
P: If I have to imagine myself being in pressure and to me what is bursting out, would that be okay?
P: I generally associate pressure with a lot of heat, a sweaty kind of feeling, grimy, dirty, unclean kind of thing, a lot of noise or generally a very tense kind of feeling and then getting out of that, you feel cool, breathe, feeling nice, bright, fresh.
R: Describe heat, just the word heat.
R: Describe heat and burning a little bit more.
P: It’s unbearable, heat is like something is unbearable, it’s like something that makes you very uncomfortable. Burning is like heat going beyond (shows hands going away from each other) and hurting you. Burning is destroying whatever is there.
R: Describe this destroying.
P: It’s like raze something to ashes.
P: It’s like putting something to ashes.
R: Something to ashes?
P: Yeah. Burning and destroying, or just trash things, destroy or break things.
P: Break things down.
I want to know what is the action. A process is going on. I want him to describe the modus operandi of the break, which will describe the whole process. Describe the energy, the action, and the process of breaking.
P: Take something and hit it down. Something like that (check the hand gesture).
R: Hit it down?
P: Yeah, hit it, break it in pieces and destroy it.
R: A little bit more about heat, burning, unbearable and especially heat going beyond and you showed something with your hands.
P: What I meant by heat going beyond (shows hands closer to each other, then going away from each other in upward direction) is heat going to a point where it gets to burning.
R: Just describe this action that you are showing.
P: This? (taking the right hand away quickly in upward direction)
P: This I did in that context.
R: Forget that context in which you used it.
P: Something going up.
R: Something going up, describe that little bit more.
P: (does that action) this action is like go away, it’s like going up.
R: Describe going up a little bit more.
P: Going up, going up fast (gesture) and quick.
R: Describe going up fast and quick.
P: It’s like uncontrollably going up.
R: Describe that a little bit more, uncontrollably going up.
P: It’s going to get dangerous, that kind of a thing.
R: Describe that a bit more.
P: Possibly going to break out, come out.
R: Describe break out and come out.
P: In this case, what we talked about here, break out would be something terrible.
R: Describe that break out that is terrible.
P: It will be like, unbearable heat, which will destroy everything.
R: Describe that a little bit more.
P: If you are there, you don’t know what to do, you just go off.
R: What is that unbearable heat, destroying things around?
P: It’s like fire all around, it’s uncontrollable, there is no help and nobody is going to come and save you. I mean something like that.
R: Describe that scenario a little bit more.
P: It’s a very helpless situation. You are gone, can have no hope, it’s finished, I mean that’s it. You let it build so much that it’s gone beyond (hands gesture; one hand is steady, the other moves up and away). Check this hand gesture.
R: Describe this build up and gone beyond.
P: It’s like you knew it was going up you could have done something but you let it grow, let it build up, let it come up for some gain or something like that but then it reached beyond a point where there is no control. So now you find yourself in a soup (gesture same as above)
R: You find?
P: Yourself in a spot and you don’t know how to react to it (gesture same as above)
R: What are you showing like this (asking regarding the gesture)?
P: When I put it here it’s like…
R: No. Describe this gesture.
P: This I would use normally as let me tell you something…
R: Just describe the gesture.
P: It’s like I am trying to tell you something very interesting (repeating the gesture). Let me give you this or let me open out.
R: What is open out?
P: Open out is I am going to break some news, which is, or I am going to tell you some news, which I know you will find interesting.
This is dead centre. That is why it doesn’t go further.
R: Tell me what is build up and gone beyond?
P: Build is like pressure, which is building, and you let it build up for some gain or expect in to perform in a particular way. But it is not, and it is not good. You let it build up because you thought it will perform in a particular way. But it performs something else, so it’s gone beyond, beyond your control.
R: You just describe to me, build up and gone beyond.
P: Build up could be used in a very different way also, it could be used in the sense of something that you put your heart in to.
R: Forget about yourself. Just describe me build up and gone beyond, you are doing extremely well. There is no problem.
P: Build up, it’s like somebody put effort…
R: No forget somebody, just the word build up.
P: It’s pressure.
We don’t want the human, we want the sensation.
R: Describe this build up and pressure.
P: Build up stands to pressure.
R: Describe build up and pressure.
P: It is going out of control. As time goes by, it is getting more and more out of control that’s what is being built up.
R: And then?
P: It’s going to break out, it’s going to be worse (gesture right hand upward).
R: Describe this going out of control and break out. What is break out? Only this word?
It has repeated often, in different contexts, so you know that this is it. So you focus on it.
When you are absolutely sure that that is the crux of the case, you should focus on it. Narrow them down to only that thing. This is Endgame. Put all the focus on that one word or one gesture, or on one action. Put all your attention on this spot, and see what comes. If the patient puts their complete focus on it, it becomes a mantra. It is almost like hypnotizing. They go into a trance.
P: Break out is when I mean it gets out. I mean, a hopeless situation. Whatever was building up has reached the crescendo, the topmost part, it’s like it shouldn’t have gone and that’s the end of it, that kind of a thing.
R: Describe for me that a little bit more, one step more, this reaching the crescendo and then break out.
P: It’s like it’s the end of that story (smiles and gestures continue same as above), finished there. I mean whatever has to happen has happened. It’s like that’s it, things can’t get worse than this, it’s the end of the event or story.
R: What comes to your mind when you say this pressure, build up, crescendo, break out what is it like?
This is not a nice question at this point. I knew the source and wanted it to come. It didn’t. But what did come was the source in a different context.
P: When it comes to picturize this, when I am talking about this, what comes to mind is a gauge which is seen in the movies, which is going up like that (showing the right hand going up and the left hand down as if holding something, smiling) and then breaking out and then everything is come on fire something like that. Some hydraulic gauge which is moving up and up, and suddenly everything bursts, the boat goes down or something.
R: What goes down?
P: Boat goes down or the vehicle just bursts or a plant which just bursts. That’s what is there in my mind. It’s like they are taking some calculated risk. This is going to go up, there is somebody expected to come and save you. You are waiting and you can’t do anything, you are trying to let it grow (gesture same as above) but then it reaches this point and then it’s going to blow out, the whole place just bursts.
R: The whole place just bursts, little bit more. Describe this picture a bit more.
P: There is destruction; there is fire everywhere that kind of a thing. Every time I am trying to talk about it, there is this gauge that comes up.
R: Describe that gauge a little more.
P: It’s a pressure gauge or something like that, it’s got markings which possibly have danger signals, that if it goes beyond, this it’s going to burst.
R: What is going to burst?
P: Whatever is there around you.
R: What happens when that bursts?
P: That’s the end of it, you are going to go down, possibly you can run well you will run and get out of it.
R: What is this fire all around?
P: Because I am expecting this gauge to up, the dangerous signal, and it is going to burst.
R: What is going to burst?
P: Whatever is there around you, I can’t see, it’s like I am in a room with the gauge there so whatever is there in the room. It could be a boat or vehicle or it could be a house, a particular plant (factory) or whatever.
R: What is the gauge showing and what is that actually going to burst?
P: The particular machine or the instrument, some kind of an engine, which is like over heated, or over worked.
R: When that engine gets over heated and over worked what happens?
P: It’s going to give up, it’s going to throw out, possibly just get burst.
R: What is getting thrown out?
P: All the pressure, all the energy that is build up will come out.
R: What comes out actually?
P: The energy.
R: In what way?
P: It could be as fire, it could be in terms of dust or wind that’s going to blow, basically energy in any form it’s going to come out, that’s what is building up will come out.
R: What actually will come out when it bursts, what is there inside that is going to come out?
P: I don’t know.
R: There is something in it that is going to come out.
P: Yeah it’s heat or energy.
R: In what form?
P: I don’t know.
R: Whatever comes to your mind?
P: Fire or hot oil or not water, something hot.
R: Describe this hot, something hot.
P: Something that falls on you and you get burnt.
R: Describe this something that falls on you and you get burnt.
P: It could be boiling water possibly some firecracker coming.
R: A little bit more about this hot thing that comes out.
P: It’s going to make you really sweaty, really get you burnt, and really get you hurt.
R: What comes to your mind when you say that?
P: Water, oil, petrol something like that.
R: Something about noise. You said that inside there is some pressure, grimy, dirty, unclean and noise. Describe all this
P: There is noise; there is lot of pressure in terms of heat, noise, and loud noise.
R: Describe that noise.
P: It’s like something hitting something, going beyond, very loud and very high pitched or something hitting metal (makes the sound).
R: And then…?
P: It’s just building.
R: And then what happens ultimately?
P: Then we would expect that burst out kind of thing, then the noise isn’t there it’s gone.
R: And then?
P: The noise is gone, pressure is relieved, and in this case it’s bad.
R: When you say this pressure, build up, crescendo and break, what comes to mind?
P: Now you are asking it’s a volcano.
R: Tell about it.
P: It’s like something hot inside is finding a place to get out and finds a weak place so pushes out and burst out there, expulses it out, expulses lava all around it’s of heat.
R: Tell a bit more about it.
P: It’s like getting really hot, inside the lava is getting hot and as things get heated up, the matter expands and there is lot of pressure inside so it has to find some way to get out so normally there is this possibility of a weak spot, particular weak place where it finds the opportunity to get out, so it just pushes itself, spews out, just comes out.
R: What is the experience then?
P: For the lava it could be pressure out, relief from the pressure.
We began with pressure and then when I asked him about pressure he showed me an action. Then when I asked about this he spoke of many qualities. Finally it reaches a crescendo, comes out, comes out impulsively, spews fire, everything gets destroyed and broken, like a volcano.
So we have come to the source. Now we go to other areas.
R: What dreams you get?
P: I remember in childhood I used to frequently get this free fall kind of a dream, which would generally be beside a waterfall, and I would get up with a jerk. In between I got these very funny dreams, about all my relatives being cartoon figures and some kind of funny cartoons. This happened I think two-three times when I was a kid. There are some events due to which I remember the dream very clearly, otherwise I don’t, generally.
About three or four years ago, I was physically very exerted in terms of work and running around, there was lot of pressure in other things also, at that time, for a period of about three or four days, or about a week or fifteen days, I get a dream that I am in the urinal or I would be going there. I want to relieve myself but I end up relieving myself in bed.
There is pressure and relief.
R: When you say relieve yourself what do you mean by these words?
P: There was something I wanted to do, wanted to relieve. There was some pressure and I wanted to relieve myself.
R: Any other dreams?
P: As I told you, I don’t remember much.
R: Any fears as a child?
P: Basically a fear of failing or possibly not doing well in the exams, a lot of education pressure and a lot of performance pressure.
R: What is performance pressure?
P: I would perform much better than my classmates and colleagues in non-academic things such as quizzes, elocution or whatever else. But when it came to writing or putting those things down, marks by notes never happened. There was tremendous pressure by teachers, parents, and relatives. They wanted to know why this was happening. They always expected me to perform much better. So there was that fear of failure at that time.
R: When you say tremendous pressure what was the experience of that pressure, how does that pressure feel like to you?
P: When I am sitting down for the exams, and the paper is yet to come to me, the ear lobes would get a little hot, and I could feel that tingling kind of the thing, a closed kind of thing.
P: Yeah, closed, hot, closed in the sense like this (closing the ears), ears would close a little.
R: Describe that experience of this hot and closed.
P: This part, Doctor, actually gets hot (touching the ears).
R: What is the sensation of this getting hot and closed?
P: It’s like a fever.
R: What was the sensation you were feeling?
P: Sensation in terms of…
R: What was the experience like? How did you experience and what did you feel there, what was the sensation?
P: I felt that the ears were getting hot, closed. It’s a little like how you feel the pressure in the aircraft, suddenly you are going up (closing ears gesture).
R: Describe that pressure on you, what you are showing with your hands. Describe this pressure.
P: It’s like now you have to put yourself down on the paper.
R: Describe this pressure a little bit more.
P: It’s like something that is trying to close on me, it’s like ears are (closing ears).
R: What is the experience of something trying to close on you? What are you showing?
P: Something that will hold me down (getting both the palms together).
R: What is the opposite of hold me down?
P: Relieve me off (separating both the palms in opposite directions).
When you trace this down, it comes to the same gesture, the same sensation. This is what I find most fascinating. And in fact, that is the basic philosophy, which is very difficult to even imagine, in a way.
Behind every stress, every single thing we experience at all levels, there is the same sensation; a very simple thing that is expressing itself in the same way. And in every aspect you can come back to the same thing. Behind our fears, ambitions, relationships, our physical complaints, our pathologies…deeper to every single thing is the same illogical sound of nature that’s playing therein. We’re not even aware of it.
We are playing out a non-human sensation and we think we’re actually human beings! We are not! We are monkeys or volcanos. All the petty problems we have…reflect this same thing. We are possessed. We are just channeling that source through us.
R: Any other fears as a child?
P: No, not exactly. This was this fear, which is, created by what you call the horoscope. Somebody told my mom about something called Sarpdosh (a belief where you are cursed by a snake, for having killed his/her partner in your past life) on my eighteenth birthday, so I was protected during that time. Not that I bothered much, but suddenly you feel the pressure that everybody is around you, they have come down to stay with you, so feel that atmosphere of pressure that this could be true as these people around you are taking it seriously.
R: How would you describe your nature or temperament?
P: Very happy-go-lucky. I generally don’t tend to get cheesed off very easily with friends or family.
R: What is cheesed off?
R: Describe this irritated?
P: It’s like what are you are telling me, why are you telling me this, come on…it’s something that you don’t like, and you don’t want to be part of it.
R: What is the feeling in that irritation? How does it feel?
P: It’s not anger, it’s like you don’t want to be part of it, push it off. You just want to get off from there, want to push it off.
R: When you say push it off what comes to your mind?
P: Pushing I mean I don’t want to be part of it (as if pushing something away)
R: When you do this action what comes to your mind? Describe this action little bit more.
P: I am just throwing it out.
R: How is your temper generally, anger and all?
P: See it’s very relative, again with my parents and with my wife it’s short very temperamental but with other people its not.
R: When you say temperamental and short what do you mean?
P: I get irritated at smallest of things possibly not think while reacting there.
R: What is the expression of this?
R: Describe this impulsive.
P: I would not think before doing anything.
R: What would you do?
P: It’s like a let down kind of a thing. I shout, possibly act a little, jump around, act a little tense or throw things around; throwing is something that I’ve managed to control these days.
R: Little bit about this anger and its expression.
P: Something that I cannot control, it’s like my hands would generally get a little stiff, tend to hit.
R: Describe this cannot control little bit more.
P: It’s like the body gets tensed, it’s like why is this happening, why is this person not reasoning out, why this person not listening? So get a little tense, you want hit out, you want to bite or something like that.
R: What is the experience at that time?
P: It’s bad.
R: What do you experience within you at that time, when you are angry?
P: Feeling of hopelessness, what is this I mean I am trying to put in so much effort to try and get you to understand something. I am putting so much effort and you are not doing anything. Where is the logic and where is the reasoning why aren’t you able to?
R: What is the sensation you experience inside you in anger? How does it feel in your body?
P: I feel hopeless.
R: Hopeless is in the mind, how does it feel in the body?
P: I feel heavy here (left side of the chest). Yeah, it feels heavy.
R: Describe this heavy feeling.
P: I am getting it now, I am trying to think what it is.
R: Use more words to describe that.
P: You feel weighed down, you want to just get out, don’t want to keep it, and you are just tied down and just push it out. I generally cool off also very faster.
R: So at present the sinus problem is there, having it right now.
P: Even now see this (sniffs). It’s been there for a week and half now. In the mornings, I kind of spit.
R: It’s there since about 10 days now?
P: Yeah it’s about 10 days now.
R: Before that it was not there?
P: Before that it was very little.
R: Means, it comes and goes?
P: It comes and goes but it’s been there for quite some time, I have not known a single day where I do this (sniffs) or where I don’t clear the throat in the morning and spit out.
R: Something is there constantly?
R: Something is there constantly, comes and goes remains there for two or three weeks?
P: Yeah, for two weeks, not three weeks. It sometimes goes in four or five days.
R: You have taken any medication this time?
P: This time I took Cetrizine (an anti allergic tablet) and I took Mahasudarshan kada (Ayurvedic medicine). I generally don’t like to take any kind of medication, I don’t like the idea of taking medicines.
R: Besides this sinus, what other problems you have?
P: Frequent acidity.
P: I don’t take breakfast in the morning. Worms are very frequent.
R: And that skin thing right?
P: Yeah, skin. Worms are very frequent, I take a pill every two months.
R: And this sinus thing started some time ago?
P: A long time ago.
R: How long?
P: It started when I was in the 11th or 12th standard. After that, they told me that septal deviation was there.
R: This was about 10-15 years ago?
R: And since then you have been getting it?
P: It got worse at times and since I came to Bombay it got really worse.
R: How does it bother you, how does it affect you?
P: My mind doesn’t work. I feel groggy, I cannot get up in the morning, this whole area is like you know (forehead) you feel sick.
R: Say in a month how many days do you suffer from this?
P: It depends. In the last two or three months, it was very frequent. About twice in two months, something like that.
R: These dreams you are getting are not now, this free fall and all?
P: No free fall I have not got recently, but I do jerk up from the sleep which happens only once in the night very infrequently. A sudden jerk like this (jerk gesture) and that’s it. Sometimes of dad dying or something like that.
R: Your moods are quite fluctuating, means you get tensed, angry, all these things?
R: Or you are calm?
P: Quite calm. It’s like, you know, like I told you, somebody doesn’t listen, generally my wife and parents don’t listen, then it’s like moody.
R: You stop the other medications now completely.
R: We will start the treatment.
R: I think you will do very well over time.
R: In-between, there might be acute sinus or whatever, any boils on the skin, fever, diarrhea. Any thing could happen, or an injury. Whatever happens, call me up and take only homeopathy. Even if you get high fever, we will see to it.
R: Then the treatment may be much more effective.
R: Continue the treatment for about six months. Now I am giving you medicine for two weeks and we’ll see how do you. Then, maybe once a month. After six months we will meet and see what has happened after beginning of treatment till that time.
R: I think we should see significant changes. I don’t think it will disappear in six months, but you will yourself say that things are much better.
P: Any particular things that I have to note down?
R: Dreams are very important.
R: The state of mind and moods are important.
R: Any symptoms that you may have.
P: Okay, fine, so I have to be conscious about this.
P: Now how do I go about writing my dreams?
R: Keep a paper and pen with you and when you get a dream, when you get up, write it down at that very moment.
R: Otherwise you will forget.
R: You are likely to get dreams after remedy.
R: They will tell me something.
R: Otherwise, your case is quite simple, not complicated, and I think it is entirely treatable and curable.
R: Not a big problem.
P: Doctor, if you have five minutes more, I mean, how does it work?
P: This whole system?
R: You want to ask more specifically? I can answer you.
P: You asked me so many questions, which I never expected you to ask, you asked me about the meanings that come to me of a particular word and how are you going relate this to my treatment?
R: The main difference between modern medicine and homeopathy is that modern medicine sees the problem only. Like your sinus is a problem, or your throat is a problem, or head is a problem, or chest is a problem and they treat that part only. This treatment does not work in a long term, it’s not solving the problem, it’s only keeping it temporarily under check. But disease is not something that affects the local parts, it is something that is holistic, that your sinus or your throat or your migraine or whatever you have are only local expressions of a deeper disturbance of a whole organism. Whatever is expressed locally can be seen generally as well.
R: For example, generally on you as a whole being, on every single part and on every single thing it can be seen. For example, suppose you read the news that a particular policeman has been caught for taking bribe. Now it looks like that policeman is the problem. But actually, if you go deeper into the specific thing that happened with the policeman, not who did what to whom, but go behind it, you will see that that issue is not limited to that policeman. The issue is an expression of something that is pervading the entire nation.
R: Every where you will see it, in the entire nation you will see it. Go to the center, you will see it and go to the periphery, you will see it. In the same way, your sinus or whatever is happening is an expression. If you go into the experience of that, the actual issue is not the experience of only sinus but of you as a whole person. That was the attempt to find out what is it. It comes out through the involuntary words that you use, gestures that you use. And then you see a commonality that is pervading you, the whole person.
R: For example, you say in the sinus there is some pressure that needs an outlet, needs to come out. If you see deeper, this expression this is there in every aspect of your life.
R: Pressure, and I have to come out.
R: Everywhere, whether you talk of your dreams, the pressure in bladder that has to be released. I go in a train, there’s pressure from all sides and I have to come out. In my childhood, there was pressure from all sides and I was expected to perform, pressure in my head and everywhere. Sarpdosh happened, all the relatives came and put pressure from all sides. So this experience of pressure is not limited to your sinus. It is an expression of you as a whole person, every single part of you will express it. What you experience uniquely in these situations is the same in everything. So we come to that common substrate behind all this, and if you focus, the remedy that has that issue as the main thing, that remedy will treat the disturbance of the whole organism. By bringing down the intensity of that disturbance of the person, the local problem will automatically get solved.
R: If you tackle that then…
P: Okay, so we are going to try and tackle pressure now.
R: That also. It’s one of the expressions.
R: There are many aspects. Pressure is the name given, as words cannot adequately express the experience.
P: Yeah, correct.
R: Pressure is one aspect of your experience.
P: Okay, I get it.
R: Second is the build up, then the heat and the fire. There are so many…
P: Yeah correct.
R: It’s a complete experience.
P: Correct. I get that.
R: That experience is your central experience.
P: I was just trying to understand how you reason out what is happening and that kind of thing.
R: If we find a remedy that touches that thing, your problem, we have come to a good remedy. The most important thing in our case taking is to understand this thing. And it helps that you are very co-operative. The most important aspect of co-operation is that you should simply forget your intelligence and logic for the moment, and just relate how you are experiencing it. What you experience is the truth, and not what you think.
R: You are able to convey and I am able to find a good remedy, we have both done our job.
P: Okay, fine Doctor, thanks a lot, Doctor, thank you.
Come out, break out,
Push out, burst out
Out of control
A Summary of the Interview
Tell me what is your problem.
Sinus – pressure – something is trying to come out – break out – stuffed – push out – throw out – jerky – impulsive – flinging – impulsive – push through – pressure from all sides – burst out.
Describe this pressure from all sides and burst out.
Heat – burning – destroy – heat going beyond – going up – fast and quick – uncontrollable – dangerous – break out, come out – build up – gone beyond – open out.
Tell me what is build up and gone beyond.
Build up – pressure – out of control – break out – building up – crescendo – gauge – suddenly bursts – overheated – throw out – burst – come out – fire, dust, wind – hot – burnt – building – burst out – volcano.
Tell about it.
Hot – get out – burst out – heated – pressure – weak spot – push out – come out.
What dreams do you get?
Pressure – relieve myself.
Any fears as a child?
Performance – tremendous pressure – hot – closed – close on me – hold me down – relieve me. Pressure – everybody around you.
How would you describe your nature or temperament?
Irritated – push it off – throw it out – impulsive – let down – throw things – cannot control – hit – heavy – weighed down – get out – tied down – push it out – cool off.
The Local sensation is of tremendous pressure. Pressing relieves. Something is stuffed in, trying to come out. He feels he should poke it and then it will come out, there will be relief. He gives a gesture with ‘push out,’ and when asked to describe it, talks about jerky, sudden, disowning (don’t want a part of it), dissociating, throwing or pushing something out, flinging.
The sensation locally is something hot and harmful, which is stuffed in, trying to come out, break out. It must be pushed, thrown out. This happens suddenly.
Local to general: He relates these to himself: pushing, throwing, sudden jerky, aggressive, rude, impulsive, push it out. He gives the images of a balloon, a pus-filled wound, then something going to burst, where a guage gives an indication of going up. Pressure and heat. They go beyond a point, uncontrollably, burst and come out, destroying. Everything is razed to ashes.
The sensation, felt both locally and generally is: pressure and heat from all sides, rising to a crescendo, and you want to make a way out of that.
He connects with the source – the volcano.
We check other areas to verify the vital sensation. These areas are in dreams, childhood situations, fears and relationships.
In the dream, the sensation of pressure, and being relieved of it, is seen.
In childhood, he had performance pressure, and he experienced it as pressure, feeling “hot and closed” in the ears. “Something is trying to close on me, will hold me down.” The opposite of that is “Relieve me.”
Even in the “protected” situation, he felt the pressure of everyone around him.
He describes his nature as temperamental, impulsive. He throws things, can’t control his temper, feels heavy and weighed down. He doesn’t want to keep it, just wants to push it off.
One interesting thing is when he says; you expect something to be a certain thing, then suddenly you find it is something else.
When you see a mountain before it erupts, do you expect it to erupt?
So we see the same sensation in all areas, at all levels.
What is a volcano?
The dictionary meanings are as follows:
1. a naturally occurring opening in the surface of the Earth through which molten, gaseous, and solid material is ejected.
2. a mountain created by the deposition and accumulation of materials ejected from a vent in a central crater.
What is lava made of?
Lava is made up of partially melted rocks, crystals, minerals and bubbles (volcanic gases).
What is the process?
Magma forms from partial melting of mantle rocks. As the rocks move upward (or have water added to them), they start to melt a little bit. These little blebs migrate upward and coalesce into larger volumes that continue to move upward. They may collect in a magma chamber or they may just come straight up. As they rise, gas molecules in the magma come out of solution and form bubbles and as the bubbles rise they expand.
Eventually the pressure from these bubbles is stronger than the surrounding solid rock, and this surrounding rock fractures, allowing the magma to get to the surface.
As magma gets closer to the surface and cools, it begins to crystallize minerals like olivine and form bubbles of volcanic gases. When lava erupts, it is made up of a slush of crystals, liquid, and bubbles. The liquid “freezes” to form volcanic glass.
How hot is lava?
The temperatures of lavas vary, depending on their chemical composition. Hawaiian lava (basalt) is usually around 1100°C. Volcanoes such as Mt. St. Helena erupt lava around 800° C hot.
Why is lava so hot?
Lava is hot for two reasons:
1. It’s hot deep in the Earth (about 100 km down) where rocks melt to make magma.
- The rock around the magma is a good insulator, so the magma doesn’t lose much heat on the way to the surface.
Lava cools very quickly at first and forms a thin crust that insulates the interior of the lava flow. As a result, basaltic lava flows can form crusts that are thick enough to walk on in 10-15 minutes but the flow itself can take several months to cool!
Why are lava different colors?
The color of lava depends on its temperature. It starts out bright orange (1000-1150°C). As it cools the color changes to bright red (800-1000°C), then do dark red (650-800°C), and to brownish red (500-650°C). Solid lava is black (but can still be very hot).
Lava is more than just a compound of minerals and gases. It has, embedded in it, the spirit of the history it goes through. When we potentise lava, it is not the physical properties of the substance that are revealed, but the energy of the lava.
Remedy: Hekla lava 200 one dose.
The level at which he lives his daily life matches the 200th potency. He is frequently at an emotional level. There is an interplay between physical symptoms and emotions.
25th October 2004, seven months later.
R: How are you and how you have been?
P: I have been fine, I had again picked up a about five days ago, heavy mucus and ears are a little blocked. The colds are different from what they were earlier, so it’s not much of a mess.
R: How they are different?
P: I don’t get pains here (infra orbital region, forehead) like I used to get earlier; that choked up feeling. It’s nice. The cold is there, but there is no impediment in getting up early or going to work. That kind of discomfort in doing any work is not there. Otherwise, this facial thing went off after the last dose. For the first four or five days there was marked improvement on the face. Then slowly it started again. I don’t know the particular pattern. But they come and go, and to certain extent they spread out, but its not like the white patch which would scale out. To a certain extent, it is reduced. But the area affected is larger, like small patches spread over now.
R: What is happening?
P: After bath if I rub there is white powdery kind of thing coming then its fine but if I don’t rub after bath after sometime there will be dry powdery kind of thing (shows forehead, beard area and infra orbital area) at these places. It feels rough, inflamed, little red and that’s how it looks. There is no itching or anything but I think its by nature that you tend to rub or scratch.
R: Since when are you having this?
P: Six or seven years ago.
R: Six or seven years?
P: Yeah, but it started with the head, with large scales and then it moved down.
R: And how has this done in the last six to seven months?
P: It’s been coming out. I feel sometimes it is getting better but then it gets bad. I think the hair loss to some extent is getting down, but the scaling on the head is there. It’s reduced now, since the last stretch of medicine. Yeah, it’s reduced in the extent to which its gets affected. That is reduced, but the area is more.
R: How does it bother you?
P: It’s a little different. You feel people look at you when you go for a meeting. You feel people look first look they’re what is this kind of a red thing. If you are in meeting and somebody you they ask you so you are a little conscious about it otherwise it’s no big deal.
R: Describe this feeling of conscious about it.
P: It’s like somebody looking at you in a different way because you got this thing on your face it looks red; it’s like what is this, what is wrong with this guy?
R: What do you experience when you feel someone’s looking at it?
P: In some sort you are worried, people think it’s contagious because I don’t think many people know what it is, they generally are little skeptical about it.
R: A little bit about people thinking it is contagious.
P: Generally, even if I look at someone who has some kind of a skin disease, you are a little careful interacting with them, because it could be some kind of dangerous thing.
R: What is the feeling then?
R: Describe that ashamed feeling.
P: When somebody is looking at you, you could give him 15-20% more talk, then you actually give in. You will be a little careful in talking to him, possibly not come out to the whole extent and talk to them.
R: When you say come out what do you mean by that?
P: Be little free, free while talking equal ground kind of thing.
R: What do you mean by equal ground?
P: Both at the same kind of level, plane and pitch, possibly that kind of feeling. You always feel you should have that clear, no problem kind of thing.
R: Tell little bit more about this experience of shame or somebody looking at it.
P: So many times I go for client meeting where possibly I am sitting at the distance we are sitting or a little closer. When you and go meet him it is very obvious that he is looking not at you as a whole, but what is wrong with you, so you get a little skeptical about talking to him.
R: What is the experience inside?
P: Feels bad.
R: Describe that feeling little more.
P: You feel a little low. You tend to be on the defensive from the start while talking, interacting.
R: Tell this little bit more about feeling low.
P: You feel a little heavy while talking (laughs).
R: Describe this low and heavy a little bit more, just these words.
P: Generally I feel a little put off, little careful while talking to them.
R: Tell about heavy.
P: You start a meeting, you start at a good note. When the person looks at you, now you lose a little bit of momentum, you feel you should hold back a little bit.
R: Describe hold back.
P: You don’t let go totally, you have a particular style of doing a particular thing.
R: Describe just the word “let go”.
P: Just go free.
R: Describe bit about let go.
P: Actually being free (as if throwing something) you like to not be thinking about the consequences.
R: Describe this action.
P: It means running free.
R: Describe this a little bit more, just this action.
P: I say I am letting things go, let things happen as they want to happen, a little confident in that thing.
R: What is the opposite of letting this go?
P: To hold back (as if holding something but not closed the fist completely).
R: Describe this hold back.
P: You would be very careful.
R: Just the action hold back.
P: I will not tell you what I have.
R: Not about you, just the action.
P: Things in hand, under control (fist closed).
R: Describe under control.
P: Not giving things out.
R: Not giving things out means?
P: You have control of this.
R: What is this (closed fist) and this (opening the fist)?
P: This is like I have things in hand (closed fist) and (opening fist) is I let them go.
R: Describe this little bit more.
P: I have these things in the hand under control (closed fist) and I have a choice to let them off, so I leave them off (opening fist).
R: Describe this.
R: How is it like?
P: It’s sort of free of things, letting things go out.
R: What else can you say about letting things go and holding things?
P: Personally, I think it’s about how you take things. Holding in my case: I was a kind of free willing person till a certain period of time. Now I am very careful about how I do things. I think twice about doing anything. It affects the way you behave, the way you take things in your career also, the attitude of things as they come, that’s what I mean by this whole thing.
R: I didn’t follow you.
P: There is a certain kind of business you are in, where the attitude is of taking things as they come. Over a period of time I developed an attitude of being careful, holding back, risk taking. This is free-wheeling kind of behavior.
R: What is this free-wheeling kind of behavior?
P: This basically means that you have some kind of backing behind so you can make any kind of decision that you feel, you can take the risk you need to, or require to at that point of time. Those returns are much higher than they normally would be by holding back.
R: So holding back is better you feel?
P: No, not at all.
R: What is the feeling?
P: Of holding back, you feel confined.
R: Describe the term “confined”.
P: It’s like you want to do lot of things.
R: Just the word confined.
P: You are enclosed (as if holding something, a not completely closed fist).
R: Describe that enclosed (gesture).
P: You have been given particular workspace (same gesture).
R: Describe just the gesture.
P: It is enclosed (gesture).
R: Describe this little bit more.
P: You are held in a particular position there is not much you can do, this is your area that’s all.
R: What is the experience of held like that?
P: Experience is purely of being confined. You want to do lot of things. You want to get out of these things but then there are limiting factors.
R: What is the experience?
P: It’s bad.
R: How does that feel?
P: I will not call it frustration. You like those factors, which are restricting, so I wouldn’t call it frustration. There is a feeling of having to do what you call adjustment.
R: Experience of being confined, how does it feel?
P: Feels really bad, feel you would have achieved much more. (Check hand gesture)
R: How would you describe this hand gesture?
P: Like locked in.
R: Little bit more of locked in.
P: Held by certain set of situations.
R: Opposite of being locked in?
P: Get off.
R: When you came last you remember different words you used?
P: Yeah it was pressure and trying to break free.
R: It is the same more or less?
P: Yeah similar kind of situation.
R: Compared to that time, how do you feel about this internal experience of being confined or whatever? Has there been any change?
P: For that matter, it is a little more now. For a point of time, I didn’t have many options in terms of career. To day I have three or four options of doing more and that is where I am feeling this. When we talked last time, it was purely physical, but today it’s more in terms of life and career where I feel confined. That point of time, yes, in my job I was confined. Today I have many opportunities in education and again in jobs. Yes in this sense, I am better off now.
R: In what way?
P: In the fact that I am looking at opportunities and exploring them. My set doesn’t let me get out from there. I mean I am trying to work something around so yes, in those terms there is a difference. But about this you are first asking me, and then I am thinking about it.
R: A little bit more about the first thing you said. At that time it was more physical?
P: When I think about it I described to you what was happening in my head (forehead, infra orbital areas) here. I might have missed it, sometimes I get this feeling of poking something on head, and the pressure would be relieved. That sensation I used to have at that time.
R: That was experienced by you more physically?
P: Yeah, it was physically.
R: Physically you are not having problems?
P: No. Physically I am telling you I have forgotten about this part here (points the forehead), which I used to be reminded of.
R: But you experience that same thing at a situational level?
R: But is there any change in the intensity of this experience of confinement then and now. The level has changed. What about the intensity?
P: I don’t know whether I can compare the intensity because lots of things have changed in the last seven months. I have changed my area of work, looking at educational gains.
This is a good sign in my understanding since earlier it was felt more locally and now it’s experienced more in a general way.
R: About the changes in the last seven months, what is the effect on you? What difference has it made to that basic feeling of yours?
P: Let me not stick to this particular feeling but if you generally ask me how I feel, I feel much better today than I used to feel six months ago. The threat of getting that feeling was much more in my mind. The fact that, I am not going to get that feeling, has relieved things quite a bit. I have the confidence that I will not get it.
R: What difference does it make, the fact that the physical things are not happening now?
P: I am a little more carefree the way I live my life.
R: What is carefree?
P: I would possibly pick an ice cream.
R: Meaning of carefree, experience of being carefree?
P: You are bothered about doing a particular thing because it may affect you or may do something to you, or you may feel sick for few days.
R: The experience to be carefree?
P: Gives freedom.
R: What is freedom?
P: Gives liberty to do what you want to, in terms of things you want to eat, like ice cream.
R: What is the experience of that?
P: Feel happy.
R: What do you feel inside?
P: Feels nice.
R: Describe nice.
P: Just nice.
He doesn’t say that freedom feels light or heavy, or open or closed. He does not give a sensation, not even the opposite of the earlier sensation.
He experiences freedom as the ability to live in the moment, free from the disease, which had restricted him. If a person in first interview says, “I feel weak, others squish me,” and in the follow-up says, “Now I feel strong, I can squish people,” this is not a good sign.
Health is the absence of a specific fixed sensation. It is a sensation in the moment. The liberty to experience whatever is in the now.
R: What is the opposite of that freedom or liberty?
P: Confined again.
R: When you say you are examining other options, what is the feeling?
P: There is some amount of excitement at the start, like you can do this, or do that…so you work around those things and you try pushing those limits.
R: What feeling does it give you?
P: Gives you the feeling of being busy on one side, of trying to be on the move.
R: Why was this not there before?
P: I don’t know. Yes, it’s been tapered off with time. I gave my test three years ago, then I forgot about it. There was a phase of one-and-a-half years where I did nothing about these things. In the last two or three months, I have started actively thinking about those things again, like picking up studies. Of course, confinement is there but I am working around it and even people are making suggestions.
R: How does the future look with those confinements?
P: Today, the future looks much better, possibly because things have been handled quite well so actually looks much better today; which was not so yesterday.
(Both patient and doctor laugh).
R: Any dreams you remember?
P: Not much. My sleep is not good for the last fifteen days.
R: No dreams at all in two-three months?
P: Not that I remember actually.
R: If you have to quantify and say from the start of treatment till now, then overall, in your general health, and mentally, to what extent have you come?
P: The main problem I came to you with was sinus, a painful feeling. If you look at that, I think it’s 100% better. When I started taking the medicine, it just tapered off. I felt that you had given me anesthesia. Colds, I wish the colds go away and about these skin patches, I am not using any medicine, steroids, ayurvedic oil or normal oil. I think, it’s in decent control. About this, I wouldn’t be able to put a number to it. This is there, but it would not really make a difference to me, would not really spoil my days, so that has really made a difference. It doesn’t matter that much. Possibly it would come back and matter.
R: It will go now we know where we are.
P: Okay, thanks a lot.
Remedy: Placebo given.
He experienced pressure more at the emotional level. Earlier the sensation was felt in the local area, now it is felt at the general level, but even there the intensity of it is less. The intensity of the sensation had decreased, and he was aware of it at a general level.
A summary of the follow up
How are you and how have you been?
Colds are less – skin complaint – conscious – contagious – dangerous – ashamed – come out – low – heavy – hold back – let go – free – hold back – control – leave go – free wheeling – hold back – confined – enclosed – held – limiting – restricting – adjustment.
The experience of being confined, how does it feel?
Locked in – opposite is get off. Feeling confined in other areas of my life. Earlier it was more physical, now more situational, but still less in intensity – carefree – freedom as the opposite of confined. I am working around it.
He begins with the problem with his skin. He says others look at it, and he feels self-conscious. Then he talks of how it makes him feel confined, and with this comes a hand gesture. Once again, we see the importance of the hand gesture, and how it indicates the nonsense in the case.
The sensation here is ‘confined, limited.’ The opposite is ‘free, coming out.’
We hear the same words, but at a different level, at the level of emotion, not of fact. We also hear hope in this, a hope of recovery.
The patient confirms this. He says the local expression is gone. It is now at a situational level. And here too he is finding new opportunities.
The experience of freedom is happiness. But it does not have a sensation. We confirm, then, that the ‘opposite’ of it was his sensation. So it is a freedom from the sensation; the disease, and not just the other side of it.
This freedom and happiness is the dawn of health. It has no sensation, merely the absence of the sensation of disease.