This is a case of a 50 year old lady who came to me on 29/12/2013 diagnosed with clinical depression. She was taking psychiatric medicines and consulting a counselor. Issues with her husband led to divorce and she went into depression. This is how her story unfolded.
PASSIVE CASE TAKING
Dr: Feel free, I just want to know you…say whatever you can
P: I don’t know from where to begin..!
Dr. Whatever comes up naturally to talk..! Just take your time.
P: I am separated from my husband more than 10 yrs ago, because of his behavior. He used to drink a lot and do many other bad things. Gradually I did not feel anything….that hurt started coming lower and lower. I have a daughter who is 14 years old now. I didn’t want to get divorced for various reasons. I did not want to get married again for the sake of my daughter. She is comfortable; she does not stay with me! She stays with him. They have a joined family although he does not take care of her. Her grandmother, two brothers are there who take care of her so that was not a problem for me.
He was a drunkard and he used to emotionally blackmail me. Many years he kept saying that our daughter is alone, not going to school etc. so you come back. That time I was working in Mumbai, so I took a transfer and came back to Pune for the sake of my daughter. I did not have any relationship with my husband at that time and besides that we used to stay in the same room. That time I realized that things have gone worse; he is lying and stealing money and my daughter was fine. She was already used to the fact that Mom is not around. Yes, emotionally any child will feel bad, but seeing us fight was even worse for her. She used to cry, she used to try and protect me. After that I left that house for good and never really went back. I used to go whenever I used to come to Pune. Only for her I used to go there. Well that’s about it, all that ended but that hurt was already gone out of my system by then. There was no hurt regarding him just anger. There was no sign of resentment, there was only anger.
In all these years when I was struggling practically for everything, my parents never thought of helping me. My mother remarried as I lost my father. She is in Mumbai. Although I was in Mumbai I never stayed there. I was outside, I shifted many houses. One day her husband told me we have a flat there in Iroli if you want you can stay there. That was a big help for me. I went there; I was staying in that house. That was the time when I came to know that my husband and my brother used to spend a lot of time together. My husband used to tell my brother a lot of nonsense about me, and my brother believed it. I used to think that my brother is supporting me but he was not. Even today he will be doing the same. I felt very cheated and I can’t trust anymore. Epecially men!
AS A CHILD
My father as well used to hit me a lot, he was a strict man. He never tried to understand me as a child and what I was trying to tell him. If I used to fail in any examination he used to say once a failure always a failure. Then it came to my husband, and then it came to my brother…then gradually friends also, so there is nothing that I can trust anymore.
Now I have been alone for many years, even if I have a very good friend I cant trust her like she will be there for me if I need her. Trust is completely gone, and then I feel lonely. I dance and all but I don’t like to do that every day.
My likings are different, I like to listen to music, sit by myself or maybe in a room, talk to people. I feel very lonely, when I feel I feel extremely lonely. I know that I have tried to commit suicide earlier and I get scared that I should not fall in that trap once again.
I have not been doing anything. People have plans ahead, like my friends if they are married they have plans ahead, they might be having a house, having kids…there is nothing of that sort in my life. I think nobody is bothered about me. Because when I got married that time they asked me to sign some papers and like a fool I went and signed the papers, it’s all trust…..I am feeling cheated now but they were my parents, I went and signed. I don’t have any house. I felt cheated again. What will happen later in life? Maybe my parents have already decided that we will give Sheetal this house. May be they have decided but I don’t know then how can I trust? I cant trust. Tomorrow again they will say sign on this paper. Can’t trust…!
Like if I am a motorcycle and I am travelling, I travel a lot alone, that time we might not even know where we are going but I trust myself that I will find a hotel somewhere. There is no point in sitting in my room and brooding and crying, there is no point in doing that but I happens! I am getting into that low tide and it lasts for 2-3 weeks, if I am talking to my mother also I start crying. I cannot express also now even if I have to talk about anything emotional I will tell may be 85% the rest 15% even if it is very important I cannot tell, I want to express I can’t express. May be that hurt locker is still locked.
Another thing what I have realized is when I become emotional I start shivering very badly. It gets very embarrassing. This also happens when I drink. I drink, but I don’t drink everyday Only when I am happy I can drink, but people feel no she has a problem in her life, so she drinks. But I don’t even drink every day. I try to tell people but opposite only happens. It is a cycle I think. I feel lonely, I try to get out of it….same thing. Then I feel cheated, then I come back, again I feel lonely. Cheated, lonely, cheated lonely…..and in between commit suicide.
Dr: Anything else about you nature?
P: I cannot tolerate anyone lying to me. I cannot tolerate people stealing. Anybody telling me the worst of things as well it will be difficult for me to take it, but if someone lies to me I feel very angry, very upset. Again same thing….cheated…! I can’t…… I lose that person, I lose myself and trust…I don’t know what to say….I can see only black then. If someone lies to me I feel black, I feel all walls are closed (HG) I feel everything is closed in front of me. Somebody lies….the wind, everything just goes off. Completely…! I don’t know what…? At that moment….
P: If my friend is doing something, I ask her…..a very close friend of mine , she is doing something and I ask her what are you doing now? And she lies to me; she does not tell me what she is doing. Everything seems black. At that moment I just go down, I just crash….I need to sit. (HG) it is all darkness around me. I can’t hear anything, I can’t see anything, I don’t want to talk, my heart….something happens!
I get very angry with people behaving in a wrong way. The other day when I was riding a bike, I was standing at a signal and there was a guy who broke the signal from the left hand side and came and banged into me. Such incidences I cannot stand. But I think I have control my anger otherwise.
Focus of the case:
- Cheated / No trust / cannot tolerate lies
Level of experience:
Hand Gesture: Sometimes aligned with the description
ACTIVE CWP (with focus)
Dr: What happens to you when someone lies to you, cheats you, breaks your trust? What exactly do you experience?
P: I feel like sitting down, a lot of air that comes out, I cannot sleep, I try to run away from people, I try to be alone I cannot face I cannot talk. Then I dwell on those things. I try to remember what all happened, what she did, what I did…then I think this happened so that happened….i go in the past and past and torture myself only.
Dr: Not what you think, but what do you experience inside you?
P: That black. This all is black, I cannot see….it is all black……(HG: Hand covering the face, and eyes closed)
Dr: Be with it and try to describe it with as much detail as you can. Just that experience, no thoughts, no emotions.
P: I can see only black, just black. And air coming out of me. I am also black and everything around me also black. Nothing is there. Even if I am standing in the sunlight it will all be black. I cannot see anything else but black. If I try to picture myself in my room that time also everything is black. Like the body is stiff. And the heart beats are on. Too much of pressure on the brain and I am crying, but it is not crying-crying but just the tears flow. And head hurts a lot. And that shivering thing, I feel cold….i don’t know if the body becomes stiff because I feel cold…but it just becomes stiff.
Dr: Be with all this experience and describe it more….black, 4 wall, shivering
P: Ya, it is like completely black, it is like a box, it is like you are in a jail or something, there is no sunlight and everything is black. Like a cell.
Dr: Just be with it
P: My body goes down like this. If I sit also I will sit like this. If there is nothing to sit I will bend in my knees, I will bend in my back. (HG: Open left hand making a fist, pulls it down and at the same time expires and bends down)
If I am breathing I feel as if the breath is not actually coming and going….it is just going inside. I feel like everything is just going inside. Even that breath, when it goes inside it just goes inside, when it comes out it just comes out. It is not like normal breathing, it is like focused breathing. When I take it in it comes in, I don’t have to breath that’s how I feel, when it comes in it goes somewhere inside my body. But sometimes when the breath comes out I understand the breath coming out. I feel like everything is shut. I am in a zone of myself….like this hurt….like whatever has happened….this experience…this hurt….god I remembered this was a year ago see this….breathing….
We note the following things at the end of passive case taking
ACTIVE_ACTIVE CASE WITNESSING (towards the whole inner pattern and source)
Dr: What is the experience? Just be with this experience deep inside you…?
P: I feel that my lungs and everything is going inside…..(HG: Both the hands move from mouth down towards the stomach, palms facing down)
Dr: Describe that inside, this HG that you are doing?
P: It is like my throat, my tongue everything is going in…where down I don’t know; I don’t know where it ends…it goes in. like my tongue is going in, my throat is getting pulled inside. It is like how sand goes in? One by one..! Like if this is sand….the top part goes in, and then the inner….like that from here till here (throat till stomach) one by one everything goes inside.
Dr: Just describe in general these words…..Pulled inside, in general…whatever comes up to you talk about these words, pulled inside.
P: It is sinking. Drawn inside, sucked…..(Same HG as above)
P: A man is standing on quick sand and that man is going in..in..in. might try to come out but it is not possible. Once the sand goes in it goes in. You cannot hold on to the sand, even if he tries to hold on to the sand, the sand will come in the hand but the hand will go down with the sand. He will go inside. (HG: Open fingers of left hand closes to make a fist at the same time pulls down)
Dr: More about these words, pulled in…sucked in…give me one more different example, completely different example…pulled in, sucked in. might try to come out but cannot come out
P: like in water….I have never seen such things but since you are asking this is the first time that this is coming to my mind…..in water there are these plants / flowers…they wait there. There is a fish going, they are very attractive and pretty…there is a fish going…he will go past like this, then he will go like this and when he comes right here it will close…..it will close and that fish will be inside that. It will be trying to come out but it can’t come out of that. He is there inside right….now what happens is that….these tentacles suck his blood out and it dies or they suck the entire fish inside. They suck the entire fish inside. That is the sucked in. it cannot come out….it is trapped.
Dr: In the sense?
P: Like…that flower is there, when that fish goes inside…it traps the fish….now when that man is going inside and the sand comes over him and he is trapped inside…like that when it happens to me my breath goes inside…actually it does not happen but what I feel is like when that sinking is happening, my tongue is going in…in..in…that time I feel my breath is trapped inside…its going inside…inside.
Dr: you were talking about some plant? Describe that to me.
P: those plants are there…they are nice and attractive. Those tiny fish who are swimming around they go there because these are nice plants and those plants are like that…stationary….they don’t move….the fish goes here, here, and suddenly they close.
Dr: Suddenly they close?
P: Ya…(HG) suddenly they close so the fish is trapped and that’s there meal.
Dr: Tell more about it
P: the fish is nice and colorful. Yellow, black, they are also nice and colorful, they are very pretty…and there are plenty of those. The fish goes to one flower. When they close, these things…the petals or whatever it is…the fish is trapped. The inside is red, the fish dies…the flower it sucks out everything, blood or whatever is there is sucked out. When it open the fish is dead…it falls.
Dr: You visualize this entire thing under water?
P: Yes it is under water…….But these flowers this is what they eat. They are meant for that, that’s their food. But in real life people cheat….they have business to do, other things to do…they can’t cheat somebody and live the life like that. Be it money, be it faith you can’t cheat. Or like my husband how he cheated on me, or my brother cheated.
Dr: So you are saying that it suddenly closes…
P: Yes…because it has to catch….if it closes slowly the fish will go away. So it has to suddenly close so the fish is trapped.
Dr: Anything else you want to say?
REMEDY GIVEN: UTRICULARIA FOLIOSA 1M (See below for explanation)
Follow up: 1 month
She developed a very severe upper respiratory infection 5 days after I started the treatment. 102 degree fever, cough, cold and swollen tonsils. I asked her to take the constitutional medicine in water dilution for 2 days and the episode subsided. Later on she started gradually feeling better. When she met me after a month she was much more energetic and looking happy. She said she went a for a bike ride and is feeling happy about it.
Plan: Continue S.L.
Follow up: 3 months (Skype follow up)
Dr: Hi, how are you doing?
P: I am much better doctor. I haven’t felt so good in a long time. All these 3 months I have been steadily progressing. I have stopped my anti-depressants. I am no more feeling that trapped.
Dr: What you mean?
P: I used to feel used and cheated, and there was a strong feeling of being deceived. Now I don’t bother about others and somehow I am not affected because of the people or their comments.
Dr: Any dreams you had?
P: Nothing much, only dreams related by day in office and routine stuff.
Follow up: 6 months (Phone call)
P: Hello doctor, I am pretty well, I am going to join a new bikers organization hence I am not able to come and see you. I am doing very well. I have been meeting my daughter regularly. Sometime again the hurt feeling is bothering as I have to interact with my husband during my visit but I am managing it well. Could you send me some me medicine which will help me reduce my anxiety which I feel during the days when I meet my husband?
Dr: What do you feel at that time?
P: I feel that shivering within my body and difficulty in breathing….somewhat similar kind of feeling which we discussed.
PLAN: S.L. for 2 months and few powder doses of her constitutional medicine just in case she feels the sensation is again surfacing. The dose to be taken at bedtime!