Interviewed in the Student Clinic of NYSH; a Sensation System case that is confirmed by using big ideas and the repertory.
The case was initially taken by Maya Lomask as a 4th year student homeopath, and supervised by Susan Sonz.
The patient’s name has been changed.
Several short forms or punctuations might be used throughout the case. This NYSH legend below explains their usage.
E = The client
CAPITAL LETTERS= The homeopath’s questions
S CAPITALS= Susan’s questions
Writer’s comments are in [square parenthesis]
HG = Hand Gesture
SD = Spontaneous Denial
bold = Significant statements made by the client
CONF= Confluence or repeated idea
Eric is a 46 yr old white male, who goes through periods of being straight and gay. He has been married twice to women, but at the moment he identifies himself as gay.
Eric came to the NYSH clinic for a “desire to change and the ability to write”, and for a disordered digestive system. Eric stated that he has struggled with depression most of his life and has been suicidal in the past. He was looking around strangely, “I sometimes have trouble- it takes me a second to see or hear people. I’m here because I have a complete unwillingness to continue to allow my stomach to rot”.
He wants to eat right and completely give up alcohol.
E: I’m trying to improve my health and well being. It centers around my stomach. I drank a lot of beer and it caused a hot and cold thing, it shocks my system, my stomach is hot and I drink it cold. There is stress in my stomach; gas, belching, distaste. Personal transformation and mental health work helped me eliminate alcohol. I can develop a culture in my stomach rather than just a yeasty bacterial thing.
There’s an altruistic element to my being. If I get better then I can help others to be better. I want to be able to see better into people’s lives; to mature, grow, and transform. (CONF)
My physical being is affected by what I ingest; alcohol, marijuana, chocolate – I see how they change my state.
I wonder if that’s clear enough…
CHANGES MY STATE?
E: Caffeine, for example. I drink coffee in the a.m. Used to upset my stomach but not now. Used to have a latte and it was really expensive so I stopped. Switched to regular coffee and it’s o.k. It makes me more alert – makes me sense I’m no longer in a pillow head state – lethargy. When I awake in the morning I’d rather stay prone – have a tough time getting out of bed; depression; that state is something I try and avoid. Some mornings are more dramatic than others. I hope I’m not looking like the elephant man up here! [he laughs loudly]
E: I have a challenging time motivating myself to do the chores I have to do; dishes, water plants, sweep, make rice, tea, coffee. Challenging time getting myself to perform those tasks. A lethargy – I really don’t want to do this – a slacker, lazy – I resist the chores. My brain is not quite powered up. I drink coffee to jump start that process. A cup of coffee feels like jumping on my bike and riding really quickly down the street. I use caffeine in the way I use other sorts of chemicals and even French fries with lots of salt. I use food to alter my state – if I alter my state enough (CONF) then I won’t be stuck in a monolithic rut.
E: [long pause] I become inflexible – detached from my emotions – more like a character in a story that I’m writing. This guy that I would rather be. Somebody who is able to climb into my slippers and have those slippers make me feel not like the person I was feeling earlier. (CONF) Tthis is really hard [he reaches for his thermos of tea]. One of my big fears is I wind up not being able to… I have some really high expectations of myself and people and I want to be able to accomplish those. So I seek stimulants and recreational drugs and food and exercise and mild altering experiences emotional, physically or mentally that will help me to jar myself out of this sense that I’m inadequate.
E: Can’t accomplish the things I want to. As a writer I want to be able to pace myself; sit down; exercise my creative ideas and do that consistently. Finish the novel, edit the first two novels, work on my art. There’s something lacking in my – what? I guess in a way I’m hoping that there’s a remedy for what I’m lacking. Which I think is one of the reasons why I want to participate in homeopathy. It’s an old story of man wishing there was something we could take that would change our lives and make us perfect.
HOW DO YOU FEEL IN THE MORNING BEFORE YOU TAKE ANYTHING?
E: my body is sore from sleep, a heavy dead lump of wood. It takes a lot to get me going, a lot of will power to put on the slippers. (CONF)
E: What’s my state like – if I’m in my state and want to go to another state, what’s my state like? Hmmmmm, wow…beyond pillow head I’m prone and lethargic and this is the time when I want to masturbate and try to sort through the dreams I had the night before – let my mind wander and to fantasize about any number of things. So I start to think about what I see outside the window of my apartment. So I look at the light – let it play with my mood. Conscious of my wakefulness – wakingness. Conflicted about whether or not I want to be participating in the day. I shift between a rational and a poetic state. Try and sort through the days events coming up – play with ideas like light and sound. Listening for my stomach to see how long before I’m going to have to go eat some rice ’cause there might be some acid that’s settled in the night. I’m tactile – I’m awake and conscious of that – sensing that I have a body as well as my mind. In that space where I’m not ready to say to heck with this and get out of bed. Then I put on my slippers. Then, if I can, I create a psychologically induced state of anxiety. I have to be anxious in order to get things done on my list. I’m always in a rush, according to somebody else’s or my own demands. I have to be forced to, accomplish. Like Alice in Wonderland, I’m always behind, there’s too much to do, I’m way too late, there’s never any time.
S: SENSING A BODY AND MIND?
E: ..[he bites his lower lip] I don’t think I can answer that. I don’t know how to approach that question.
S: WHY DID YOU SAY THAT? …I HAVE A BODY AS WELL AS A MIND?
E: I tend to be very cerebral. I live inside of my mind and I’m not historically a physical person. I spend a good deal of time in my imagination, so I might be making this distinction because I spend so much time in my head. Secondary to my head is my body. When I wake up I feel my awakeness, then I feel my body.
[Eric stated that he was both drawn to change and anxious about it.]
E: Before the last eight years, my life was in a state of flux, a state of change. I never had money. I had uncertainty about friendships and the future. I never knew what to expect. It was a side-effect of growing up in that [his family] environment. I feel disoriented, physical change, I tend not to do research, I’m disoriented. It causes an emotional and psychological state. What am I doing here? I’m thinking I have to leave. I do it now when I go out. I’m bad socially. Why am I here?
It takes a whole lot for me to feel comfortable, without feeling agitated. I’m not performing to the norm of that establishment. I go to a ski lodge not skiing, to a bar not drinking, feeling alienated, feeling outside any place I’m at.
E: It’s remarkable I’m calm here [NYC]. I don’t feel alienated from this place. Maybe ’cause I came here when it was empty one day. I tend to have a very small number of friends and acquaintances; spend so much time in my imagination. When I go places I don’t know society and social conditions well or how people respond to things. If it doesn’t fit into my way of thinking I get agitated and decide this isn’t working out. It’s a – alienation means I don’t fit into any group or a limited number of select groups.
S: HOW DOES THAT FEEL?
E: Tightness of chest, teeth grind, hands sweat, fidgety, sense of nervousness, psychologically its fear. A near certainty that I’m being over-scrutinized by people who don’t know me. I want to loudly explain how wonderful I am so I’ll be welcomed. I’m sure if I’m loud enough and persuasive enough I will be welcomed into a place.
E: I go to Applebees on a Sunday afternoon. I want to be alone; watch T.V., talk to somebody. The only place to be alone is next to a loud table of screaming kids celebrating a birthday; the only people to make conversation with are groups of couples knee deep in their own conversations; the only thing on T.V. is the Patriots game. It’s not doing anything for me; just not my scene. Feels like there’s no place in society – becomes black and white for me – no place around for me to go and be self-expressive. But I want to get in out of the cold, be around other people; sociable but in a detached way (CONF). If I go to a place that feels good to me it’s because I’ve been there before or I know somebody who is there. I’ll feel more connected to the place. It makes me feel…helps me be relaxed. To be calm.
E: I went last night to the gay lesbian center up on 13th street to a meeting I wanted to sit in. Didn’t know anybody in this group. I showed up, took a look around, didn’t feel like I was associating with anyone who was there. All much older than me. In their late 50’s – 60’s, out of my experience and social norm. I decided not to stay. Wanting to find some association with people, places, things. (CONF)
E: I like riding the bus. The B61. People get on and off the bus that I know as fellow bus passengers. I see them and I feel like there’s a reflection of this place I live in – my neighborhood is reflected. There’s a methadone clinic around the corner – the first stop on the route was a shelter for methadonians. I’d see the same people on a regular basis, the same group coming and going from the clinic. Sharing the bus stop with those people – even though I wasn’t a member of their community – we shared in the sense of – all shared the same bus shelter and bus experience; the delays, the weather outside, the painful noise that one person is making as they complain, shout and scream. A sense of solidarity to the social experience. I also like sharing a blanket with a friend in the park on a sunny day – a bit of nature; sound around us; togetherness; music. I like to go out on my friend’s boat; I’m good on boats, get to drive sometimes. I garden; my backyard is really beautiful – been working on it since 2005. I consider it a community garden, a looking garden. Two of us who work on it and ten families who see it. A place for people to see beauty. Like to participate in the beautification of that space; makes me feel like I’m aiding in the betterment of other people’s lives.
[We all thought it was interesting that Eric liked sharing the bus with “methadonians”.]
S: WHAT ABOUT AIDING PEOPLES’ LIVES?
E: It’s about my stepfather’s abuse. Because I was the guy, I was the one who was supposed to be taking care of my sister and my mom; an element of responsibility and taking care of people. Altruistic and empathetic; do something that somebody recognizes, and I like the accolades. I like the gratification and making a change in somebody’s life. I get off on that.
Stepfather was a merchant seaman and a drunk and a sociopath. When he was home – gone for 3 months and home for 3 months – my whole cycle of change and of movement were for a long time tied to 3 and 6 month cycles in keeping with his. A cyclical thing to his presence. When he wasn’t there the family felt like it was falling apart; when he was there we wished it would fall apart. My mom was the primary person in the family that governed the way the house was kept. She was very nervous and uncertain – the opposite of calm. Spent a lot of time shaming me for every one of my little sins – really big on it. I couldn’t finish anything because the best of her love was when she said, ‘Shame on you!’ Thank you, mom.
E: Part of that destabilizing, unsettling feeling (CONF) that’s part of change, motion, agitation…feels like…now that I know that shame exists in my life – just now realizing I don’t have to always be ashamed of being me.
S: WHAT DOES SHAME FEEL LIKE?
E: The physical feeling?…Um…creates a certain anxiety…also the same sense, the anxiety I experience when I’m ashamed is a debilitating feeling; like I become immobile or…dispassionate in that, I wish.. I feel as though I am retreating all of my energy [HG fingers interlace and hands turn in towards himself] – withdrawing all of my energy into myself because I have to sort of preserve – like my tree must feel in the fall, in the winter, when all of the sap goes into it’s roots and I become immobile and completely reserved. I become sort of stuck.
E: Like the monolithic rut expression (CONF). I can explain not stuck- it means I’m doing O.K. I take chances, I do things when I’m not stuck, unstuck. Feel free to be able to experiment with ideas; name things; act on my wants and desires. When I’m stuck I keep going around and around and around or I’m up against a dead end of thinking that’s cyclical and I can’t get out of a way of thinking or I can’t get beyond that piece of thinking. I get physically – feel like I’m impotent or immobile; frustrated. Mentally I feel defeated and letting myself down. The responsibility is just too much.
My breathing stops, I don’t recognize my breath, whether or not I’m breathing. Traditionally my stomach would be tightening up… constricted, grind my teeth, caught up in a knot, pressure between head and stomach, thinking it’s futile [HG- hand on top of his head], knot, I’m panicking, knot sometimes like a stone. Pain in the front of my head, dully, pulling my scalp from within, dragging it down over my [HG – over eyes] trying to collapse myself into myself to hide…seems futile, my gaze locked up in itself, not conscious of my breathing.
E: [still has his fist to his stomach] It’s…I feel like I’m panicking. I’m really bad at that. My stomach would be tightening up. [HG – finger tips of hands together in front of him]. Everything centered in my gut. Dyspeptic. [HG – hands over his gut, fingers interlaced] Used to cough up bile. Have a sour taste in my mouth. Gas. It would drag me down – shoulders would stoop, posture would – feel like the front of my stomach and my whole torso was constricted. [HG – hands clenching in a ball in front of him and he is bending over] I’d grind my teeth. I’ve been told I have the teeth of a 70 year old man.
E: Like the knot is causing me to panic.
S: WOULD IT HELP TO CLOSE YOUR EYES?
E: I’m panicking when it happens. [won’t close his eyes – seems on verge of tears] I don’t remember clearly enough if it was like a sharp pain or a prick or a punch. It was more like a… [face gets really, really red] Sometimes like a knot or a fullness; sometimes very gaseous. Sometimes like a stone. (CONF)
E: The size of my fist. Like it could have been my – a mile of intestines knotted all up. Used to read R.B. Lang – his book KNOTS; felt like the knots he was describing in the schizophrenic communities where he worked was like the knot in my stomach as well as my own inability to think through things. I used to think I was schizophrenic because I had this knot. This bundle of tissue that was…undigested. Not quite what you’re looking for? [he smiles]
E: Yes, excessive amounts of pain. Would cause me to list – lean forward. [long pause] The irritation would make…would get me to….make me feel uncomfortable…I would want to….forsake my uprightness because I’m feeling…[HG – clutching his stomach, wrapping his arms across his stomach]
S: WHAT IS THIS?
E: Me cramping up – in this constricted state.
E: My lower back muscles aren’t working; shoulders stooped over; brow is furrowed; got this pain in the front of my head bordering on a migraine. Can’t think what to do next to get myself out of this situation.
E: Dull. Connected to my furrowing brow – like I’m pulling on my scalp from within and dragging it all down. I’m collapsing into myself to hide. [HG Fist pulling downwards from forehead]
E: When I’m in a good place I’m conscious of my posture – able to open and close my lungs. Keep my spine relatively erect. In this place that everything seems to be futile I never mind any of that – my spine, my gaze is not straight out it’s locked all up into itself looking down. I’m…[eyes close] not conscious of my breathing; not taking full breaths, my neck tends to sag. Let my head droop. [he smiles, laughs, face gets red again] Yeah. It’s – am I getting better at this? [laughs] Is this the clause that says it could take longer than two hours?
S: TELL ME ABOUT APPLEBEE’S AGAIN? HOW DO YOU FEEL THERE?
E: Shortness of breath. Agitation. [HG – fingertips together, shaking hands up and down] Nervous. Skin itchy. [up on his tiptoes] Feel my face tighten up – won’t smile or laugh. Mouth gets pasty and salivating. I might want to cry…my chest always tightens up; my stomach, my buttocks and my groin.
E: It’s like a muscular tension [HG – fists pulling away from each other] – rather than a drying out. It feels as if my jaw muscles are clenching; my stomach is bundling, my buttocks are pinching; my groin is receding.
S: TELL ME ONCE MORE ABOUT THAT MORNING FEELING?
E: I’m not in pain. It’s more like a heavy dead lump of wood. Like it’s going to be – takes a lot to get me going. A lot of will power to put on the slippers.
E: Immobile. Lethargic. Detached. Glued to the mattress. Some days I wake up and the last thing I want to do is get up – other days I’m up and in those magic slippers immediately; feels swift, light, buoyant and it doesn’t take long to become lucid. It feels different than being manic [SD]. Sometimes it would take being chased by a lion to have that radical adrenalin that would get me to roll over and put my slippers on. But some days I wake up and don’t have that feeling. There’s a certain inconsistency – part of this sense of bafflement. Never quite know what, as a human being, I’m supposed to be feeling. Is there another way I should be or could be feeling?
[he speaks in opposites throughout the interview]
S: I DON’T USUALLY ASK THIS BUT CAN YOU TELL ME HOW YOUR DEPRESSION FEELS?
E: I feel it in my head. [puts hand to top of head] Literally like a cloud has entered my head and blocked out the sun. Like a dark sheet has been closed over my head – the curtains are drawn on my head, on my mind. Totally affects me in a way like turning out the lights affects me. Makes me feel like fuck it, I don’t want anything to do with this moment, this day, this life. Depression is a world without light. Turn out the lights and nothing seems to have taste, smell, texture. I couldn’t care less about anything.
S: IS THERE A PHYSICAL SENSATION?
E: Dullness. Dullness. I feel dull. Difference for me between, ah shoot – dull, I feel dull. I was going to say something cerebral. I’m creative and have imagination but there’s also a certain amount of fantasy that I participate in because it’s a cerebral escape from the dullness of my depression or lethargy. It’s that fantasy that I use to pull myself out of this dullness. This dull state.
E: As a kid I used to have this dream about Halloween – my sister and mom and I would answer the door and there would be this gruesome, scary witch at the door but it would be way late, like the next day after Halloween.
S: HOW DID THAT FEEL?
E: Scarier than scary. I would wake up as soon as I saw that witch. Once I tried to stay with it to see…and it…it had something to do with my dad. My dad showed up. And he wasn’t always there – my real dad – and he was there to try and save the day, but this witch wasn’t having it. Got me further scared – nothing could stop this witch. There was a sense of immobility again. Not aware of the nuances of my body and my physical state – I always go back to the same sense of immobility and dull. (CONF) I keep using the same words. Makes me wish I had more of a vocabulary to describe this!
S: WE ARE GLAD YOU DON’T!
Comments from Susan:
This case was a lovely example of the plant kingdom. Eric always spoke in opposites when describing his state. He also described how sensitive he was to everything; food, places, people, morning, the dark, etc.
At first I was afraid he was so theoretical and cerebral that we would all get lost in the case, but that is part of the beauty of the Sensation System. In this system you keep the questions simple and to the point so a patient like this doesn’t get an opportunity to go way off and deep into his story. If he repeats his sensations while describing different situations as Eric did (confluences), then you know you are hearing the truth of the case.
It was particularly interesting when he described himself as “like my tree must feel when all the sap goes down in the roots and I become immobile and completely reserved”. Plants often refer to the feeling of being “stuck” for obvious reasons (stuck/unstuck).
Cannabis indica is part of the Hamamelididae family whose members share the sensations of “compressed, limited, fixed and confined, dullness, heavy and dragged down, inclination to lie down, rest and repose amel, depressed, sadness, fantasizing, and imagination”. (from SANKARAN’S SCHEMA 2005)
This case clearly seemed to be expressing the sycotic miasm, e.g. Eric’s drinking and food issues (too much of all that), his various urges, his masturbation, the fantasies, the guilt, the shame, the feeling that there was a weak spot, that there was something wrong with him that couldn’t be fixed, that this problem wouldn’t kill him but it needed to be covered up, and this left him feeling exposed. (SANKARAN’S SCHEMA 2005)
It was also very clear that this was a drug remedy case (if you look at this from a BIG IDEAS/GROUPINGS point of view). He is spacey and disconnected and likes to “alter his state”. His favorite neighbors are the methadonians! Since big ideas/groupings cases are actually repertory cases, let’s look at some of the rubrics:
Mind; Alternating states
Mind; Darkness agg.
Mind; Delusion separated, mind and body are
Mind; Fear, Insanity, losing his reason
Mind; Fear, panic attacks, overpowering
Generalities; Constricted, as if internal
Generalities; Food and drinks, alcohol, alcoholic drinks agg.
Generalities; Lie down, inclination to, daytime
Generalities; Tension, tightness
Sleep; Sleepiness, daytime
The beauty of this case is that you can analyze it any way you like and it always comes up as Cannabis indica. A case like this helps us understand that the Sensation System is based on the repertory, as is the Big Ideas/Groupings style of homeopathy. The most important thing to remember is what we have always known – if you give the patient the space and time to do so, he/she will always reveal the remedy.
First dose: 11/8/10, 1 pellet 200c .
FOLLOW UP (phone) 11/14/10.
E: OK, I’m not sure how, what to think. I’m walking to work. My body doesn’t ache. I’m getting sleep. I feel pretty good. I haven’t had any days that I’ve felt lethargic. I’m completing things, getting a lot of things done in the office.
FOLLOW UP (phone) 11/18/10
E: I’ve been walking a lot. My body doesn’t feel as sore in the morning as it did. I’m trying to figure out what’s happening. I’m trying not to drink and I’m going to AA meetings. I don’t know where I’m at. I don’t know if my body is trying to…my habits are not consistent right now.
I’m trying to understand where my body’s at, where I am mentally. I don’t recognize me. I don’t feel lethargic. I don’t feel all that dull. My concentration and focus at work is fine. I’m doing OK. I feel the need to drink, don’t know if it’s affecting my mood. Might be confusing something. I don’t know how to answer that. I have an active addiction and I have the desire to stop that addiction.
FOLLOW UP (phone) 11/26/10
E: I’m avoiding fried foods. I’m exercising, walking and still taking traditional Chinese herbs. It all feels like my life is going pretty well. I’m handling stress well.
I feel pretty good. My body doesn’t feel stiff. When I use to wake up, I felt like I hadn’t stretched. I wake up now, I don’t feel that way. I’m walking a lot. It’s my form of exercise. I’m taking care of my body. I’m healthy. I’m not drinking. I didn’t drink this week. And I don’t feel like I’m craving it. I thought I would always be craving it. I thought I would stop drinking and I would always crave but I don’t.
FOLLOW UP (phone) 12/5/10
E: I’m doing really well. I think when I went in for the consultation, I wanted to comfortably be in my skin, to live without feeling anxious, alienated, nervous. I wanted a proper digestive system. It’s been a crazy week with stuff around here. I got a storage unit and a post office box. I had some paranoia and I handled it well. I’m going through my house purging whatever has to get done. I’m doing well. I don’t have anything to compare it to. I’m very comfortable in my skin. I’m not drinking. I occasionally go to an AA meeting. I’m not replacing alcohol/pot with AA. I’m comfortably able to not drink. I’m blowing myself away. It’s remarkable. I have no experience to compare this to. I’m a totally different person. I’m honest about what I need and what I don’t need.
I’m alert, clear-headed. I feel fine. I don’t know what you gave me. It might also be astrological, might be all kinds of things. I’m taking my health seriously. As for soreness, I don’t have it. When we first met, no matter how much I exercised/stretched, I would be sore. Now I’m not stretching. I’m not sore. I’m not tight.
I wake up at 7:30am, consistently without an alarm. I roll out of bed, I get up and do stuff.
FOLLOW UP: (phone) 12/24/10
E: I’ve had some stress and insanity but it’s over. It was with my Mom and some friends. I’m trying to be set free. I’m sleeping OK. I’m pretty good. I put my stuff in storage and a safe deposit box. I’m doing all the things I wanted to do all my life. I’m putting a boundary around me and my things. I put my deeply personal stuff into storage in case I’m broken into while I’m gone for two weeks. The day I was threatened, it affected my health. But I was decisive, I was clear, I acted on it. I was steady and sure of myself. The anxiety didn’t seize me up like it did in the past. I got a Zip car and put my stuff in storage, boom, boom, boom. I was smart about it all. It’s all coming together. It was somebody I know, one of my neighbors. We had a conflict one morning. I took it as a warning. I asked myself, ‘Am I being paranoid? I’m always paranoid. Is this a viable threat?’ I decided to take it as a realistic threat.
[Eric is telling me that he has always experienced this kind of paranoia, but the paranoia had not come out during the first interview. Paranoia of course, is a well known symptom of Cannabis indica, homeopathically and in substance.]
Are you asking, am I safe? My physical body is going to be OK. I’m doing good, I’m clear-headed. I feel great, comfortable in my skin. I feel good. The stiffness is almost all gone. I’m going to start doing calisthenics.
I’m not craving alcohol. I’m craving to smoke weed. It’s tranquil, creative anxiety. I’m smoking on the weekends, actually about four times a week. I can talk about it now. Seven years ago, I first went to therapy because I wanted to feel comfortable buying weed and talking about it with my dealer. Now, I’m comfortable buying weed and talking about it. All the things in my closet are getting un-closeted.
FOLLOW UP (phone) 1/9/11
E: I went out to Kansas city and had a lot of Christmas food. I got a really sick stomach. Sick and nausea. The day after Christmas, I had a bad hamburger and a whole bunch of meat, prime rib for Christmas dinner, got off train and started eating red meat. Vomited a lot of bile for two days.
I’m doing all my chores. Shoveled the path to the compost, getting all caught up since I was on vacation. I’m coming back to this, being very proactive. I ‘m doing really well, I think. Still continuing this process of doing good, helping myself out. Things seem to be going OK.
I feel good. I feel good. I don’t know that I have any problems right now.
Repeated dose 1/9/11, 1 pellet 200c
FOLLOW UP: (phone) 1/16/2011
E: I caved into my own urge. I would go and get a beer in a bag, take it home, have a 5th, and I would pour out the beer. Twice at home, last two weeks. I caved into pressure but I can’t take it. I poured a shot of bourbon and turns out I can’t drink that either. Me and fermentation don’t mix or me and wheat maybe. I can’t drink a beer. I can’t drink bourbon. Ooh, that tastes nasty! That’s really handy. I didn’t want to drink anyway. I can eat bread here and there. But for some reason, it’s just, if I take even the slightest sip…I don’t have that [fungal feeling] when I eat bread.
I’m cutting back on the weed. It hasn’t changed. I don’t crave weed. It’s sort of like I understand this to be a place that I can deal with rather than not deal with. I’m still uncertain about my abilities to be comfortable with myself. It’s psychological. It isn’t physical. I don’t have a craving. I have a craving for beer. I have this fungus in my stomach and the fungus says, “Give me beer”.
I feel comfortable. I feel jazzed because I’m thinking about my life. I might have a future and I want to take care of it. This is part of the process for me. Why am I saying this? I am glad to be apart of it. Glad that you think this is a good remedy. I’m developing confidence in my ability to feel good too. I’m able to build something. This is all apart of my ability to do that. I feel comfortable that this is not necessarily the wrong remedy and not causing me anxiety.
[Susan strongly suggested that Eric stop his pot smoking]
FOLLOW UP IN CLINIC 1.22.11
E: I’m ok. I went home and I made a conscious decision to stop smoking weed because of Susan’s concern. I’m not smoking for any reason and I’m committed to working with you. I’m trying to take my health regimen seriously. I’ve stuck to it. So I’m trying to give the remedy a chance and homeopathy a chance; trying to give my sobriety a chance.
I get a lot of resentments, voices in my head that is sort of a dialogue. I have a hard time trying to get those to chill out, and when I’m smoking they don’t bother me as much, things don’t cling to me as much, don’t affect me as much.
I got a cat last night. This is a big step in my life. I haven’t had a cat, never had an indoor cat, because I had serious trauma issues growing up on a farm especially with cats. The kids who were males liked to kill stray cats. I was a cat killer. When I started going through therapy, this whole idea came up of not being made to kill cats. I got a male cat, blondish reddish hair, 2 years old, rescued. I’m pretty tired today, up most of the night with this new creature in my house. It’s a really nice feeling to have an animal around. It took me a long time to do this, worked myself up to this. I feel very good about that. I’m making a ledger on the good things happening in my life.
FOLLOW UP: (phone) 2.13.11
E: What’s going on here? I feel really great. I feel healthy. I feel like I’ve wanted to feel most of my life and was never able to obtain it because of other things. I didn’t know what I wanted. I didn’t know what was possible. Look at me – I got a cat, I published an essay. Things are going well. I’m thoughtful and clearheaded and I’ve never been this way. I’m facing a real physical change in my life and I want to attribute it to two main elements, one is Chinese herbs and the other is Homeopathy. I want to continue them both.
Doses 11.8.10 (200c), 1.9.11 (200c)
Repeated rx: 2/20/11 (200c)
FOLLOW UP: (phone) 3.2.11
E: I’m climbing out of this rut that I’ve been in. I’ve been in and out of depression most of my life. I can’t imagine that homeopathy alone is going to reverse that trend. It may take a long time, may take medication. The remedy has lifted me out of my despondency and I haven’t been drinking for the past two days. I’m still bloated and I still have gas. I taste it on my taste buds. But in the 36 hours, things have turned in a different direction.
FOLLOW UP: (phone) 3.27.11
H: Eric said that he’s been frustrated with himself but has been talking himself through it. Eric said that he thinks he has a 6 week mood cycle. He said that after he last re-dosed, he was feeling good for two weeks. Then he found out his mother and sister were going to Paris. Eric explained to me that he offered to meet them in Paris but his mother did not want him to come. He said that he wanted to take his Mom out of his phonebook. “If she can’t respect me as a person, how can she respect me as a son?”
Eric told me that in 2004, he was “locked up in an asylum because the elections caused me to have an alcohol-induced hysteria. I stopped traffic at Union Square for 20 minutes.” Eric went on to say that the “insanity then is the same as when deeply hurtful things happen on an emotional level.” Eric went back to talking about his mother saying, “She denies me access to her affection just as she has done all my life.”
S: This is an interesting story he tells and explains how deep this case is. We all need to be patient and realize this case will go on for quite a while before Eric is completely well. It is time to raise the potency.
First dose: 11.8.10 (200c), 1.9.11 (200c), 2.20.11 (200c) Repeated dose: 3/28/11 (1M)
FOLLOW UP: (phone) 4.3.11
H: Eric hosted a meditation meeting at his house, which is the 11th step of the program.
E: I’m dealing with things as I have to deal with them, safely, soberly. I’m able to use more than just one response to each issue.
[he said that his building is being sold]
E: I’m not panicking. I don’t know what I’m going to do. Before I would have said I’m helpless. But now, I’m cool. I’m not retreating into a Zen Buddhist retreat. I’m here. I’m OK. This is not a big deal. I used to believe that the outcome is predetermined. I feel an absence of hopelessness, helplessness. I have the ability to see things with optimism. I can be confident in a way that I haven’t been able to before.
FOLLOW UP: (phone) 4.17.11
E: I’m doing pretty well. I was starting to get paranoid but my job is not at risk. [Eric explained that he talked with his boss and that his boss has assured him that he has a job for next year.] In the past, I would assume that my employer was out to get me. My receptors are re-calibrating themselves to see the world in a different way, calming down, a sense of safety. Things are going pretty well.
First dose: 11.8.10 (200c), 1.9.11 (200c), 2.20.11 (200c), 3.28.11 (1M)
Repeated dose: 4.28.11 (1M)
FOLLOW UP (in clinic) May 1, 2011
E: The last couple of days have been fine, good mood, sleeping well, waking up fine. Some key things happened. I was here in January – and now for 60 days I have been clean, completely. No pot, no alcohol.
When I was telling you about being proud of smoking, it was reflecting the fact that for the first time I was relaxed about buying weed, I felt a whole lot better smoking weed.
But then when you told me that it was not doing anything good for me and wasn’t letting the remedy work, I was able to stop.
It’s dawned on me in the last 60 days, that with or without pot, I was comfortable. When I stopped drinking, I thought that I would lose my creativity. But I didn’t. I will give it to my remedy. I think the remedy has played a huge part in that. This is the Kool Aid and I’ve swallowed it, and I’m down with it.
For me, I feel very good right now. I’m at my most creative, things are making sense right now. They are clear right now. I have a huge issue right now, I have to move. The thing that gets me is that I’m fine with it, things will work out. I’ll either be homeless or I won’t be homeless, and it will be alright.
I went through a huge crisis with my mom about 60 days ago. Child of alcoholics, and you just have to deal with it. I got through that emotional crisis and I don’t fault my mom, I don’t blame my mom.
It’s testimony that the homeopathic remedy feels good, and that the dosage is okay. I don’t know what it is? Grasshopper wings? I don’t know.
I had two dreams, and I came as close as I’ve ever been to remembering them, and that was close. So next time, I think I will be able to remember them.
I’m off to the writer’s retreat paid for by my school, so I’m going to write for four days.
I got a tomcat. It’s my first time. When I was a teenager, it was my responsibility to shoot all the tomcats who came onto the farm. So in that time, as a teenager, I had to shoot 7 cats. These cats would come up to me, even those that were so shy. I had so much guilt and shame about killing them, and I finally figured out how to work through that.
I answered an ad for a Siamese, but she said that she had just rescued this red cat, ‘do you happen to be blond and red-headed?’ [he is]. And the cat is so chill, so relaxed, and so it was perfect, and now he’s at home, and my neighbor will come over to take care of the cat while I am away. Ask me ten years ago if I would let someone into my house. No way – too paranoid. So not only am I able to take care of the cat, but I am able to let someone into my house in order to do that. So human development is a strange and wonderful thing.
When I walked into this room last November, it was a time when I was ready to make a change, and I was able to accept the free love that you are giving me, and well, I just want to thank you collectively and individually.
Comment by Susan:
It is always gratifying to see a patient doing so well. However, in spite of his good feelings and 60 days of sobriety, this continues to be a serious case that needs careful monitoring.
This case has been successful largely due to the careful management by his student homeopath Maya Lomask. We will continue to assist Eric on his journey.