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D.P. age 38 y., male. First visit: Oct. 2007.
“I have a lot of neck, shoulder and back pain. I had a whiplash injury last summer, and gradually re-gained my mobility.” “I do martial artsâ€”eight different forms. I know all the forms, movements, but there’s no spirit. I’m trying to integrate the physical and the spiritual. It’s so frustrating not to be able to learn new movements. I’m not ready to begin preparation for my black belt.”
“Every time I start to feel good, I come to a precipice – the universe changes the rules. I was considered a genius up until third grade. Then we moved, and I lost my familiarity, my advantage.”
“I was accepted at a preparatory school where the academics were really tough. They had a sign: ‘These are the universities our graduates are attending: Harvard, Yale, etc.’ I thought ‘Wow, these are the expectations’.”
“We moved to one school where the kids were just dumb and evil. After another move my brother was framed for securities fraud. Then I just said ‘To hell with it’. I was just mad.”
“At the university, I had the knowledge, but not the skill to succeed. I had hope, optimism –I got a taste of it– then collapse.””I couldn’t handle doing mindless tasksâ€”it would just kill me. They told me ‘you can’t graduate without being part of the theatre program. You need to do something spectacular’. So I formed a theatre company, and many students went on to successful careers.”
“At that time I was dating a valedictorian. I had a lot of work to do before I could hold onto someone of her stature. I was employing all my secret tools.”
“My whole life I wanted to prove to my parents that I was what they thought I was- at five years of age. I want them to see success–real success. In ’99 I learned to work behind the scenes in the mortgage business. Then my wife got pregnant and real life started hitting me. Everything changed at my job – I got fired. I thought ‘All right, enough of this behind the scenes stuff. Let’s tell people the truth in the beginning’. But that doesn’t work in sales.”
“Then I got another job – I was doing pretty well. I was learning a lot about myself. Then I was threatened by my former partner.””I never told my wife when I was interviewing for my next job. They said ‘You’ll be a specialist, an expert’. All of a sudden, the program started going away. I learned how to show up, serve, and then the mortgage business collapsed.”
“I trained well, but implementing is difficult. My manager has said I’m one of the top specialists in the nation. I’ve been commended, made major breakthroughs. One month ago I was given a new tool that made my job easier, but I don’t get paid right away.”
“I get very depressed. My life energy is depleted. It would be so draining for me to work in a production line. I wouldn’t be serving a higher purpose. It’s beneath me. I’m capable of so much more.” “I’ve been accused of having grandiose ideas, but it’s only delusions of grandeur if you haven’t done it – no, I’ve done it!”
“I’m not serving a higher purpose. I wrote a book of poetry which can show you how depressed I can get.””I do a lot of goal setting. I know my moral compass, my goals, my priorities. It’s an internal process. Every time I envision my goal, do what I’m supposed to do, the whole thing collapses.”
“I’ve always had a fear of being rich and powerful. That opens me up to being killed. It’s like battling Satanâ€”as long as you’re quiet, you’re safe. You get out there and expose yourself, then it’s like battling.”
“I encounter evilâ€”you’re out there on the battle-lines, the front linesâ€”it’s scary for me to be out there on the front lines. I never wanted to be a politicianâ€”you’re out there, exposed, and people are angry. There’s retributionâ€”they could kill you or your family. I don’t want to jeopardize myself or my family.”
“I have a fear of being exposedâ€”I’m just waiting for some consequence. But I try to serve Truth, a higher purpose. Evil can never hurt you if you have God on your side, but it sure makes life challenging.”
“I need a breakthrough. I’m afraid of failing and I’m afraid of succeeding. I always hoped to write something that would give hope to people’s lives.”
Here’s a poem I wrote – the title is “Retreat”:
Why do I have to be so poor in spirit?
Where is the joy I used to know so well?
Why do I stay awake all night and sleep all day?
How can I be alone to think without crying?
I know there is a God out there.
I feel Him with me.
When I sleep, my dreams calm me.
He is there, protecting my soul.
I gave it to him, my shell on Earth.
Satan offered me everything here.
He promised me wealth, success, profit.
He called that happiness. That I would want no more.
But, I said no. I was spoken for.
My soul is saved but it struggles with pain.
My soul is tormented with weariness and sorrow.
I have battled evil and triumphed.
Soldiers must retire, so, I take my leave.
I am too tired and short of breath to fight any more Crusades.
I do not turn my back on God, rather I beg Him for mercy.
I’ve given more than I can. My passion is cooled
And my anger subsided. I’ve fought many battles
And lived through the sword. I need a new front.
My mind must be my weapon now.
Retreat is in order . . . Go back, re-group, a leave is in order.
The time to fight will come again. Be prepared
A new life is waiting. Forget the past.
Tomorrow never comes, today is passing by.
Seize the gift God has given, the flame will burn eternally.
Analysis: This patient has a pattern of “two steps forward, two steps back”, but most of this is happening internally, rather than in the external world. He’s not manifesting what internally he believes he’s capable of, which is to express a “silver theme toward a golden ideal”. In other words, he wants to make a difference in the world, but he’s conflicted by the fact that if through exercising his inner power he becomes “visible”, then he becomes a target for persecution.
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