What is to be Cured in the Patient?
Analysis by Kingdom, Subkingdom, Miasm
Prescribed Homeopathic Remedy and Reasoning
Patient: M. V.
(Born on July 18, 1979 in Zrenjanin; single; no children; profession -journalist)
H: Tell me about your problem.
P: My periods are irregular, it was never normal. I was taking birth control pills, but a few years ago I stopped. The gap between my periods is usually 2 months, and that’s how long my PMS lasts. I’ve got all the PMS symptoms, it literally lasts 2 months. (She’s tapping her right index finger on the table.)
I often have mood swings, I feel confused, and sometimes I’m very cheerful and impatient. At those times I have trouble showing myself to others. There’s a kind of border – I’m on one side, they’re on the other. Before my period I get really bloated, but no pain, nervousness is coming out of me. As if skin is stretching, I have oversensitive skin. Everything tingles, prickles, I’m hot, I feel hot flashes, nervousness, crazy PMS. Also, my appetite is out of control, I’ll eat anything, especially at night. I’m annoyed by everyone, it’s like they all want something from me, they’re all up in my space, and I can’t even accept myself. All this really bothers me, something is wrong. (Brief pause, she’s tapping her index fingers.)
H: Go on.
P: This whole situation is troubling me.
H: That’s the only problem?
P: That’s what bothers me the most. It affects my whole life, my work, my relationship with my boyfriend, everything. I feel like I would start to breathe again if I could get rid of this state. I’m worried because I don’t know what the way out of this is.
H: Tell me a bit more about your problem. What exactly worries you?
P: My periods are irregular, I always feel like it’s coming, but it doesn’t. All the while I’m very nervous and distracted. I’m in this state right now. Everything is hot, everything prickles. (She’s tapping her index fingers on the table.) I don’t know what to do with myself; it all comes down to one question: When will my next period start? I go crazy at work, I feel anger, but somehow I manage to control it. I fear that I might lose self-control, I’m boiling inside, I would run away from myself. Fear keeps me from losing self-control.
H: You are doing very well, just keep going on.
P: I’m trying to figure myself out, and if I manage to do that, I’ll get it all out.
(She’s moving her right index finger upwards, as if she’s throwing something off the table.)
H: Go on.
P: I’m awfully hot, this feeling is hot.
H: I’m not sure I understand, tell me about that again. What happens then?
P: It is abnormally hot in stomach; something is growing inside of me. I’m getting bigger, but nothing can come out. I just keep getting filled up.
H: Describe this once again, so I can understand you better.
P: I’m very bloated; all this blood must be inside of me and can’t get out. It’s a horrible feeling, and there’s no way out. I can’t get it all out. At this point when it’s all in me, it gets very hot and I don’t know what to do with myself. How do I get this entire load out?! Everything is confusing, I’m snapping at everyone around me. This is not regular PMS, this is a state when you want to jump out of your own skin, everything is suffocating you, but you have nowhere to go!
H: Go on, you’re doing great…
P: (She is alternately poking with index fingers on the table.)
I have a pronounced need to be by myself at those moments, because I need to be by myself in order to go through that process of figuring out. I’m impatient, I’m not OK, and I want to find what’s there as soon as I possible, I want this hot feeling out as soon as possible.
H: Explain this a bit more, I’m trying to understand what’s going on inside of you.
P: Well, this is some sort of state, this is my crazy PMS. I’m going to draw you a picture of it (laughs). This thing inside of me prickles, tingles, it’s hot, I’m full of blood, and then I have this barrier around me, so I can realize what’s actually going on. When I explore these feelings inside, I’ll be able to get rid of them. This state will disappear.
H: What kind of state is this? What’s your crazy PMS like?
P: Then I get very hyperactive, I have so much to do, and I feel like there’s no time. I don’t sleep right, I switch to night rhythm, everything tingles, prickles, I’m all irritated. I can’t calm down/find peace. I vacuum at night (laughs). I get all messed up. A lot of hot emotions build up, and I have to get to know them, otherwise I can’t go on. I want to comprehend why is this happening.
(Tapping her right index finger on the table.)
H: How does that make you feel?
P: To me, all this is torture, everything is burning up inside of me, and I have nowhere to go. I’m trapped inside myself and I have no time. Thousands of thoughts are running through my head. I want to get out of myself, everything is tight. I have to do something, to free myself. If something doesn’t change soon, I’ll go mad.
(She’s poking with index fingers on the table.)
H: What do you then? (The patient notices I’m watching her moves.)
P: (Laughs.) I poke, to somehow get out of myself, because inside me is something gushing and which I don’t know. The thing that is burning, I have to do something urgently, to organize myself, otherwise… (Pause.)
P: There’s no time, I’ll suffocate. Something inside of me is filling up, spreading, it wants out, there’s no time, and you’ll suffocate.
H: Bit more about it
P: It’s like I’m in a box. Something is going on, it’s hot, gushing, but it can’t get out. Then I poke around and I have to get out, otherwise it’s the end. I’ll stay in the box.
H: You’ll stay in the box?
P: That’s the image, like I’m locked up in the box.
(She laughs and taps her right index finger against her forehead.) It’s hot inside, everything is stinging and I have to get out as soon as possible, I have to break out.
H: Bit more about it
P: There’ no room, it’s hot, here inside the stomach. I don’t know how to describe it. As if I’ll go mad if I don’t get out as soon as possible.
(She is alternately poking with index fingers on the table.)
H: And then?
P: I poke around (laughs). I try to break through the border, I’m here, and the others are there. These are my periods. I’m torturing myself and others. (Laughs.) Everything is tight, I’m too much for myself, and I have nowhere to go. Then I try to get all these emotions out, so I attack other people.
(She is making movements with index fingers towards me.)
H: You attack other people?
P: My mood changes, I like to tease them. (She imitates poking with index fingers.) But it’s like any other PMS, only mine lasts longer. I can be sarcastic and harsh, but my boyfriend understands it for now. But if this situation isn’t resolved soon, I think he’ll lose his patience. Who would want to be with such a person? On the other hand, we live in a rented flat, and when I’m in these periods of nervousness and heat, my skin is tight and my flat is cramped, and it would be best for me if I was alone. And it so happens that exactly then he’s at home every time I’m home and it’s like he’s invading my space. He just gets in my way and I lose control over the smallest thing, I freak out. A kind of heat hits me and I usually just storm out of the flat, otherwise, who knows… My mom says I’m sucking the blood out of him (laughs), but she’s just like that with my dad. She’s like the family general, everything has to be under her control, and dad is nice, quiet like a mouse. He never yelled at her, I have no idea how he’s been putting up with her for 30 years. It’s a sado-masochistic relationship. I don’t want that kind of a relationship, but I often catch myself being like her. My boyfriend surely won’t stand for that for a long time, and whoever I’m with, I know I have a big problem. I have to balance my emotions, to reduce my nervousness. I’m all burning up inside, everything prickles. It’s like when you put on a wool sweater on naked body. It’s something hormonal, but it’s all in the head.
H: Go on, you’re doing great.
P: About my mom?
H: If you want.
P: My mom always kept us closed, like under a bell jar – don’t do this, don’t do that, and I wanted information and I wanted to do stuff. She almost didn’t let me go to Petnica, I literally ran away from home. She has the need to dominate us, but since I moved in with my boyfriend, I got rid of her control. My brother is still with her and I have no idea how he still puts up with her attacks and torture. It’s much better now compared to when we were kids. That woman simply infects others with a kind of anxiety. We had to go to school even when we were sick, so that we wouldn’t miss anything. If she has nothing to do, she makes something up, like dusting flowers (laughs). She’s like an energy vampire. She was charging us with negativity until I would get so dried up I thought I would burst. She just pokes and pokes. (She’s imitating poking with index fingers.)
It’s not pleasant to be under a bell jar.
H: Describe that feeling.
P: You have nowhere to go; everything is prickling with nervousness, unpleasant heat. I was fighting her all the time; I was burning inside with anger. She’s very rigid, not flexible at all; you can’t explain anything to her. No compromise. And now, when I catch myself being like her, I get mad. I have to deal with it. I don’t want to be like her, a tyrant to loved ones, but when you spend 30 years living with someone like that… I want to be better than my parents. I just feel sorry for my dad and my brother, they’re like mice, and they’re very passive. At least I was fighting and confronting her, but the most important thing is to leave those unhealthy surroundings, to free you. Now we see each other a few times a week and that’s OK.
(She pokes around the table with her right index finger, and watching what she’s doing.)
Now I have other issues, I can’t express myself at work, and creativity is very important to me. Journalism is very interesting, but I work with morons. Everything stands still over there, there’s no air, everything is filled with smoke and nothing is going on. I have to do something otherwise I’ll end up like the others. I love to move around, to dig around and surf the net on various issues, but my boss is not interested. I get very upset when I get home, my stomach is burning, my whole body aches, my skin stretches, and everything hurts. I know it’s the stress. I don’t want to be taking tranquilizers because of work. I have fantasies about yelling at my boss and tell them all to fu … And when I get this crazy PMS, everything is intensified.
H: Tell me about a dream you remembered or one that recurs, the time is irrelevant.
P: During childhood I had a recurring dream. There was a car accident, everything was burning, kind of a fire, and I was in a closed space. Someone put me in some car, shoved me into safety to protect me, but he didn’t survive and I wanted out. Someone protected me, but didn’t think of himself. I was banging and scratching with all my strength, I was very furious and aggressive. Suddenly, I realized that I was covered in blood, like I stabbed myself with glass. It’s very hot, I’m stabbed with this big glass and when I finally manage to get out, I wake up. I wanted to help those people, but someone seemed to have protected me.
H: What was the feeling?
P: I have to help the others, but I’m locked up. It doesn’t matter that I’m safe if the others are going to die. Horrible feeling of helplessness. Till blood. That dream has haunted me for a long time. I couldn’t help them; I watched them disappear in the fire. Everything was up in flames, I was the only one who was protected, but I didn’t want that. And then when I finally manage to get out, all stabbed and bloody, I wake up. I don’t want to be alone, life is so short. When dad had a heart attack, everyone was shocked, and I was very organized and called the ambulance right away and took care of him while they got there. The others were a mess. I realized what happened only afterwards. I can handle urgent situations.
H: What about the dream had the strongest impact on you?
P: I felt small and helpless, and I had to do something. Hot, pricking, burning, enormous aggression, and then blood, I’m finally out, but everything vanishes. I wake up in sweat and there is no sleep anymore.
H: Tell me about your fears, no matter if you still have them or if you had them in childhood.
P: I have fear of death, but everyone has that.
H: What’s that fear like?
P: Well, it’s not really fear of death, it’s fear of the way of dying. For example, I fear that the elevator cable might snap and the elevator might crush me. Violent things like that, suffocation, getting buried under something, stuff like that. For example, to be buried alive. If you’re unconscious it doesn’t matter, but if someone buries you and you’re alive and conscious, well… Generally, I’m afraid of accidents, although nothing ever happened to me, but a movie or a story is enough to scare me and get me imagining myself in those situations.
H: What’s the scariest thing there?
P: Well, it’s not natural, I don’t like violence, everything is OK and then all of a sudden someone wipes you out. I don’t drive a car, I have fear of a car accident, and I’m afraid I might lose control and put someone’s life in danger or vice versa. I trained in a marshal art for 12 years, but I never saw it as a violent skill. I’m tiny and I wanted to learn a marshal art. Judo is demanding and strenuous, but it’s not violent. Now I practice yoga, I’ve been doing it for almost a year, and I’m curious about also becoming an instructor. Stretching and breathing exercises are helping me a lot to handle the stress.
H: What is it about yoga that you like the most?
P: I love asanas and a particular breathing technique. You make a tube out of your tongue and you breathe in, and then breathe out through the nose. It’s very relaxing. It’s ideal for stress. Sometimes I get completely relaxed, but not always. I still need to work on that a lot. My body is very flexible, I love to stretch, and I can easily do all the exercises. I have an extra vertebra, which probably has to do something with the fact that I’m like rubber. And I can do a thing with my fingers. It’s totally scary. (Laughs.)
I can completely fold my fingers. My joints are so flexible that I can fold my fingers in the opposite direction just like when I fold them in the usual direction.
(She folds her fingers backwards.)
When I was younger, I used to buy sunflower seeds in the street and I would put out my hand with fingers folded like that inside the glove for the seller to pour the seeds. Afterwards, when I would put my hand back into normal position, people would be astonished. My yoga instructor says I’m ideal for a circus to perform as a rubber woman. If I quit journalism, I’ll have something to fall back on (laughs).
H: Why did you decide to study journalism?
P: My first option was archeology. I love old objects and anything old, digging, research. It puts you in a new dimension. That has a special value. I was in Petnica when I was in high school. That was a great experience, I was happy. It’s a very unique feeling to find something someone was using many years ago. As if suddenly you are teleported through time. Grandma lived in an old house, I remember I loved to search around and go through her stuff. (She pokes around the table with index fingers.) There were many rooms, many old paintings, and old furniture. My parents sold the house later on, and I had fantasies about living there when I grew up. But, as far as archeology is concerned, the materialistic element prevailed. I wouldn’t be able to do that for a living.
H: Do what?
P: Well, dig around. I was sorry, but I never gave up on archeology, I’m just not really doing that. I like journalism, too, because information is important to me, I like surfing the web (she is pricking around the table with index fingers) and looking for data, I like the phenomenon of information transfer. It’s similar with archeology; because you dig some information there too, thus transfer them through centuries. There’s a flow that goes through entire eras. It gives them eternity, in a way. It’s wonderful to be a part of that. I like best to monkey about social subjects, interpersonal relationships, etc. Writing is completely therapeutic for me; you get it all out on paper, no holding back. But when I’m in this state, I can’t even breathe in normally, let alone write. It’s depressing.
H: What is your relation towards animals?
P: I love them, more than people. Animals are better than people. I feel sorry for small and helpless animals, because people tyrannize them, but feeling sorry doesn’t help. Their rights should be constantly fought for, and for opening new shelters. I’m a member of Orka; I want to get more involved when I find the time. As a journalist, I can do a lot. Cats are my favorite.
H: What’s your favorite thing about cats?
P: They’re obstinate, you can’t influence them, they have their own will and they’re completely free. They defy gravity. They don’t accept compromise, and when their territory is invaded, they find another one, a better one. They’re not slaves to people, like dogs. They have an attitude. But I like dogs, too. I like all animals, except for insects. They’re completely repulsive to me.
H: How come?
P: I hate insects, i.e. bugs. Actually, I’m scared when I see them in a closed space.
H: What scares you about them?
P: I don’t like when I’m with them in a closed space. If I’m out, I’m not scared. But when they’re in the flat, I feel disgusted, I feel more than nauseated… (Brief pause).
I don’t know how to describe it.
H: Whatever comes to your mind.
P: It’s not that it stabs me (she’s pointing at her chest), it’s just that I feel the need to get away. That’s why I don’t like them in a closed space. I have nowhere to go, I can’t ignore them. I’m free in open spaces, I’m not limited, I can move. I can’t even smash them when I’m in a closed space, something immediately start gushing in my stomach. When I’m out, I just pass them by. I know they can’t do anything to me, they’re small and helpless, but everything about them is slimy to me. Sometimes they’re in the bathroom. I get so scared; I keep looking around for them not to fall on my head while I’m taking a bath. And before I go under the shower, I check everything, just in case. But you’re never sure with bugs. They can come out of a hole in a second even when you think it’s all clear.
I can’t kill them. A bug has this barrier around it and I can’t get close to it. It’s a horrible feeling.
H: Explain bit more.
P: It’s slimy, cold, and mucous, everything is disgusting, the bug is cold. And inside it’s hot. The membrane is hard, and the inside is hot and slimy, everything stretches. It’s filled with some horrible hot liquid. Awful.
H: What is the experience?
P: I can’t explain, I feel uneasy in the stomach, everything’s burning, everything prickles. I have to get away, as soon as possible. The most disgusting is that hard membrane and if I step on it, inside it’s all soft, it stretches and falls out. I feel sick even thinking about it. This hard membrane and the sound of me kill it.
H: Explain bit more.