Elaine, isn’t that Pat Boone? Wasn’t he the milk-toast / white bread teenage idol from the ’50’s who made a fool of himself trying to sing Little Richard’s and Fats Domino’s songs?
Yes, Kelly, that’s right.
Have you given up on James Brown?
Kelly, Homeopathy has given up on James Brown!
I didn’t get a single request for more videos of The Godfather of Soul–except for this emotional letter from Shana:
More James Brown! Can I go to bed now?
Elaine, what could be causing Homeopathy to act this way?
“Dork’s Syndrome”, Kelly.
(Gasp!) You mean, “Dork’s Syndrome” has hit homeopathy?
So it would seem.
Say it isn’t so! What’s the remedy for this?
Pat Boone 30C!
Yes! We call these remedies “imponderables”. Now, here’s all you have to do, you set a vial of alcohol in front of your stereo speaker and click here:
Ew! What is that?
It’s Pat Boone singing “Tutti Frutti”!
Oh my God, it’s awful!
Yes, Kelly, but it resonates with our rhythmically-challenged audience! Now, all we have to do, as soon as the song is over, is take this vial of Pat Boone mother tincture, and run it up to 30C. One dose of this should cure Homeopathy of this embarrassing disorder.
Who in their right mind would have bought this record?
People who were not aware that these songs were actually done by Little Richard and Fat’s Domino.
Why were they not aware?
Because of the bad old days of racial segregation, Kelly. Rhythm an Blues music was at the far right end of the radio dial and usually of very low wattage, causing these songs to go largely unnoticed. But Alan Freed, a courageous Cleveland disc jockey, put a stop to all that. He was fed up with people like Pat Boone becoming famous courtesy of other people’s songs.
So, you’re saying a black artist would have a record out, and no one would hear it? They’d only hear Pat Boone’s version?
Exactly, and Alan Freed said, Enough of this, already, it’s ridiculous! He received a lot of flack because of this, he was a hunted and hounded man and he eventually comitted suicide.
Oh my God, that’s shocking. Elaine, I can’t take another minute of Pat Boone singing “Tutti Frutti”, I gotta get outta here!
Kelly, wait! Your case……………………………………………….. ……..Kellyyyyyyyyyyyy……….rats!
I can’t believe this keeps happening! Luckily Caralyn is here; you all know Caralyn, don’t you? Remember, her father had gout?
Caralyn, do you have a case for us today? Please say you have a case for us today!
Elaine, you know me, I live in a crazy house! I have a son who sneezes, come to think of it my mother also sneezes….
God, this is interesting, but, do you have a case for us today?
No problem. Would you like to hear my father’s case?
I think all of us would be happy to hear from your father again.
OK, let me compose myself. Ahem! Ladies and gentlemen, this is my case which I am calling simply, “Oh Dad!”
“Oh Dad, what is wrong with your eyes?” These were the first words out of my mouth when I first spotted my father as he came to our house to visit a few weeks ago. The question just rolled off my tongue when I saw him squinting as he kissed me hello. My father who rarely complains, as he prefers a state of perfect health, simply responded, “They have been itchy, burning and very watery for over a week now. When I’ve been getting up these past mornings I am shocked by how much water is running out of them, it’s unbelievable!” He continued to tell me that he is constantly rubbing his eyes and now he even has a bruised sensation under his eyes from constantly attacking them.
To start from the beginning my father, who lives in Florida, came up north to see us and soon after developed a run-of-the-mill cold. As the cold subsided he was left with this unusual problem of itchy, watery, burning eyes. This never before happened to him.
Instead of having compassion for my poor father, I was elated at the opportunity to try ___________! Elaine, our most favorite homeopath in the world, has touted the benefits of _________ and unfortunately, oops I mean fortunately, I have never had an opportunity to employ its use. But anyway, I skipped over to my drawer of homeopathic remedies and, VOILA, I found __________ 30c just waiting there for this unexpected moment!! As Elaine always recommends, I gave it diluted in water. I gave the remedy two separate times, a half an hour apart with succussions before each dose. My father is quite the chatterbox and while he was giving us the details of his week–he was visting on a Sunday–I couldn’t help but notice that his eyes, which were nothing but slits– were opening up wider and wider! Once I realized this I casually asked him after one hour how he felt and his answer was “….dum-de-da-da-dum…. You know what? I feel much better.” I did a victory dance inside my head. Unfortunately about 2 hours further along his symptoms started to return and he started once again with the rubbing. I repeated the 30c two more times before he went to bed–fortunately he was sleeping over–and again he felt better. The best news is that in the morning all that remained of his discomfort was the bruised feeling under his eyes from the incessant rubbing. That soon cleared up on its own and I have not heard a word about his eyes ever since!
Thank you Caralyn; if any of you can solve this case, please write to me at [email protected], the answer will be in next month’s ezine. And now, I have REALLY got to cleanse this atmosphere of bad vibes! Here’s Little Richard, introduced by Alan Freed, singing “Tutti Frutti”:
Elaine Lewis, DHom, CHom takes online cases. Visit her website at: elainelewis.hpathy.com